Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Hostage Situation at the Capitol

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I'm Charlie Gibson and This is ABC Nightly news with Breaking News.

There appears to be a hostage situation at the US Capitol and we are going to take you straight there to Jake Tapper at the Capitol! Jake what's going on?

TAPPER:  Thanks Charlie.  Earlier today President Barack Obama was spotted on top of the US Capitol building.  Witnesses said they were unsure what he was doing and then they saw him wheel an elderly woman in a wheelchair up to the edge of capitol.  One Witness  said he started to yell, "I told you not to call my bluff! Now we'll see who's boss!"  Mr. Obama is still atop the Capitol and threatening to push the Elderly woman off the Capitol. I'm joined now with Capitol Hill Police Chief Frank Hillmans. Chief can you tell us the situation?

CHIEF:  Well It appears that the President is holding a hostage in a attempt to break the talks over the debt ceiling.  He told the Police he chose the Capitol roof because he didn't want to drive to the mountains and find a cliff.

CHIEF: We are trying to talk him down but it doesn't seem to be working.

TAPPER:  Does he have any demands?

CHIEF: He said and I quote, "I want an increase in Government revenue through tax raises,  Increase in entitlement spending, and my helicopter running and ready to take me to Sandals in Jamaica."

TAPPER:  Has the hostage negotiator arrived?

CHIEF: Not yet, but Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell arrived and tried to remedy the situation by screaming "Give him whatever he wants!"

TAPPER:  That didn't seem to work.

CHIEF:  No. So we are bringing in some family members to see if they can talk him down. Oh here they are now. Let me see that megaphone.

CHIEF: Mr. President! Can you hear me?

OBAMA:  Yeah! You got my taxes and copter? Yet?

CHIEF:  No sir! But we have someone that loves you very much that wants to talk to you.

OBAMA: It better not be Michelle cause that ain't gonna fly!

CHIEF: Mr. President the First Lady is up there with you.

MICHELLE OBAMA:  This Old Granny is going to eat pavement! You better get our taxes!

CHIEF:  Mr. President he is here now and he wants to talk to you. It's your Number 3 Wood Driver.

OBAMA: WOODY! Is that you?

WOODY:  Hey buddy. Whatcha doing? We really love ya down here. Why don't ya come on down and talk.

OBAMA:  Woody! I'm in deep man! This ain't the 9th hole! Oh man! #$%@!!!!!!   [weeping] NO NO NO! You are not going to talk me down not you Woody! Not YOU!!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

TAPPER: We may be here awhile . Back to you Charlie.

1 comment:

  1. Aw, man - that's hilarious. I wish I could write something as hilarious as this.