Saturday, August 27, 2011

A Democrat's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

Share on Tumblr      Welcome back as we continue to show democrats what to do in case of emergencies.  The Zombie Apocalypse is a growing concern in today's world.  But do you know what to do if it were to come to America?  Especially if you are a Democrat, this situation is not so cut and dry as Republicans would have you believe.  So let's go through the most important things to remember in a Zombie Attack if you are a Democrat.

1.  A giant Zombie Hoard is approaching.  What do you do?  First you need to ascertain if these are actually zombies.  A giant swarm of mind numbed automatons could be just some of the Democrat base.  Check for signs or t-shirts with the following logos: AFL-CIO, ACORN, SEIU, PETA,, Teamsters, Amnesty Intl., CAIR, ACLU, or anyone from Berkeley.  This could avert a lot of confusion and you may choose to join the marchers in their chants and monotonous din.
May or May not be a Zombie

2.    Ok so you have discovered that these creatures are actual zombies.  Well, you can't just go and label these as creatures bent on eating you.  Try to understand them.  They're people too, or at least they once were.  What motivates them?  Is it just an unquenchable thirst for brains or are they too a victim of our corrupt society's obsession with greed?  Maybe you could appoint an ambassador to represent the zombies.  If Al Sharpton is a zombie, now would be a good time to give him a megaphone.
Zombie Al

3.   These Zombies apparently mean business.  Well, your next course of action should come naturally: Sanctions.  Yes a trade embargo on brains should teach the zombies that you mean business.  If they continue on their current course toward you, they need to know that they will no longer get the brains they so desire.
Typical Protest Sign seen at Zombie Rallies

4.   Now would be a good time to find shelter.  Do not build anything unless you have the proper permit.  This could be dangerous to do without a government agency overseeing the construction of said shelter.  Also off limits are the following: Historical Sites, Endangered species habitats, Potential Endangered Species Habitats, Forests, Beaches, Mountains, Hills, or pretty much anywhere that might disturb wildlife.  Poor Neighborhoods should also be avoided. This would not be fair to them.  Rich Neighborhoods and Corporate buildings are OK if you can get passed the Armed Owners.  The most logical decision is where Democrats always run to solve a problem: Government Buildings.
Only sanctioned Zombie Shelter.  Hope you don't live far from DC. 

5.   Protection is a necessity.  But under no circumstances are you to use Firearms.  The 2nd Amendment says nothing about protecting yourself against Zombies.  Knives, Swords, Machetes, or Axes are also dangerous and off limits.  Use a stick that is no thicker than your finger and no longer than your arm.  This will have the desired effect of protecting oneself from the zombies while keeping safety a number one priority.
Don't even think about it!

6.  When defending yourself against the onslaught of brain hungry golems, you should keep the following rules of engagement in mind:  Never strike the zombie on the face.  This could cause damage to the Zombie which would result in a potential lawsuit.  This is also true for Hands, arms, neck, legs, groin, feet, or buttocks.  Only light body blows should be considered.

7.  If there are people with brains around you, then you should immediately volunteer them for a shared sacrifice approach.  They share their brains and you sacrifice your time in contributing in this.  Fellow democrats do not make suitable brain donors so look for a nearby republican, if there are any left in the vicinity.  Most Republicans will be in Non-sanctioned Zombie shelters and armed with shotguns.  Don't worry we will give them all fines later.
Nugent: Leader of the Republican Zombie Resistance 

8.  At this point you may have been bitten.  You should immediately bite as many people as you can while you are still semi-aware.  This would be unfair if some of the ones around you are not zombies.  The Zombie ACLU may assist you in this.

9.  Well you are a full fledged zombie at this point.  You are a Brain Dead Putrid Moaning hideous Creature that only reacts to its base needs while sucking the life out of those around you.   In other words, You're a Democrat,  nothing much has changed.


  1. If I understand this right, I cannot use my trusty 12 gauge, and must find a stick that's more flimsy than our president's backbone. I have to engage in the "bite or be bitten" rules of engagement. My hands may be more tied than our troops in Iraq, but if their foamy rabies-like bite will make me a liberal, excuse me while I sharpen my fangs with a power sander.


  2. I believe NASA has a plan to reach out to the Zombie community after the Islam mission is successful.

    Zombie peace in out time!

  3. Yes, zombie peace. Together we can.

  4. LOLOL Do you draw those pics??? LOVE IT!!

  5. Loved the article, borrowed this and gave you the props;)

  6. I always knew the Zombie Apocalypse would end up with it just being Democrats anyway. Great article!

  7. Woah I love this! So funny! I might borrow this for something I am writing. All credit to you!