The Obama Administration has killed the proverbial birds with one stone. As part of a joint endeavor with the Obama Administration's plan for energy independence and the First Lady's grand ideas of Obesity elimination program, the two have come together to develop a solution for both.
The Program is called "FatFuel" and It is the brainchild of none other than First Lady Michelle Obama
"The Obesity problem in America has been just horrible and there didn't seem to be any end in site. Then there is the energy independence problem and of course all that debt. It all just seemed hopeless, that is until we came up with FatFuel!
Let's get Physical!
Mrs. Obama went on to explain how FatFuel works, "First we took the census results from 2010 and found out how many Americans were considered obese. Next we located those people and forcibly 'encouraged' them to come to our Obesity reduction center. The obese person is then taken to a self powered treadmill where he or she are handcuffed to the bars and they are then again 'encouraged' to run until the fat comes off."
The First Lady went on to explain that each treadmill is hooked to a battery that is charged by the runners movements and put out on the grid to power America. When I asked how these people are 'encouraged' to take part in what appears to be grueling work she responded, "Well that is a two part Positive/Negative reinforcement process. A Double Bacon Cheeseburger is dangled just out of reach in front of the Obese subject. While behind there is a constant three dimensional video of me chasing them with a handful of Kale while shouting 'You better eat your greens!', It seems to be very effective."
Participants in the program are showing results. Fred McTompson from Charleston, SC has already lost 200 pounds. When asked for comment he said," I'll be good please....I just want to go home....THE KALE, THE KALE!!! I WANT TO STOP!". "Hey I don't pay you to cry get back to work tubby", said Mrs. Obama. "But you don't pay me at all!", responded Mr. McTompson. At which point Mr. McTompson was hit with a cattle prod and put back on the treadmill.
The First Lady was particularly excited to reveal the final part of the program. "Each Treadmill is also hooked to a Printing machine from the US Mint so money is being printed so quickly that the National Debt will be paid in no time!" When I tried to point out that this would actually make the debt go up she responded, "Hey I don't pay you to talk back, I pay you to report my news. Now get on that treadmill for about 30 miles!" Then she shocked me with a cattle prod.
"The Cattle Prod is recharging, You better eat your Greens!"