Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Barack Obama-Necromancer

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Rumors Abound...

May 2008: Las Cruces, NM Memorial Day talk.  Obama sees Dead Warriors.

....rumors of a man so powerful he can talk to the dead...

November 2008: Obama says he has talked to all of the Presidents.

...he even gives awards to the dead...

June 2011: Obama "mistakenly" says he met and awarded a Dead Medal of Honor Recipient.

...speaks of the ancient ones known as corpsemen...

February 2010 and October 2009: Obama calls soldiers Corpse Men instead of Corpsmen. here and here.

....Only one conclusion can be drawn from these supposed mistakes...

.........BARACK OBAMA-NECROMANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     Barack Obama, born to a Kenyan Warlord, raised up by witch doctors, trained in the Dark Arts, He is the President Warlock that can commune with the Dead. He is Barack Obama-Necromancer!  His secret identity is known to a select few. 

     We join Master Obama in the Oval Office where is to be interviewed by a popular magazine.

WHITE HOUSE SECRETARY:  Mr. President your 2:00 appointment is here, the reporter from Teen Beat magazine to interview you about your daughters.

OBAMA: Oh yes send her in.

OBAMA: Ok she's gone. Anyway Karl I was playing Wii Bowling with Lenin the other day and I totally kicked his butt...

TEEN BEAT REPORTER JESSICA COLLINS: Hello Mr. President.....oh I'm so sorry I didn't realize you were on the phone I can come back.

OBAMA: No no no I wasn't on the phone.  Come in come in.  Excuse me one second though....Hey I'll talk to you later Karl.  Tell Josef I said What's up.

JESSICA:  Ugh ok. uhm. Who were you talking to?

OBAMA: Hmm? Oh no one.

JESSICA:  Well Ok. I'm here to talk about your relationship with your daughters Sasha and Malia.  And what it takes....uhm Mr. President....are you smoking.

OBAMA:  Oh no no it's just a little Brimstone. It helps me concentrate. Just ignore it.

JESSICA:  Ok. Anyway Let's talk about your Daddy's night out with your daughters. That sounds so much.....AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! A BIRD IS ON MY HEAD!

OBAMA:  That's actually a raven.  Come to me my precious.  Yes that's a good boy. Here have some bat's wing I picked up this morning.


OBAMA:  Damn.  I knew my secret would come out sooner or later.  Teen Beat.  Humph.  I figured my minions in the media would never figure it out.  I, my dear, am the magical Warlock known as The Necromancer!

JESSICA:  You're what?!

OBAMA:  I commune with the spirits, cast spells, animate the dead, you know, the usual.

JESSICA:  This is crazy!  You mean to tell me that you have been a warlock this entire time and no one knows?

OBAMA:  Well it's hard for people to find out when I have them all under my trance.

JESSICA:  You mean Metaphorically? Right?

OBAMA: No I literally put them all under my trance.  The Media wasn't that hard I just said I was a Democrat and 'Poof' "We will do as you command master." hahahaha......sheep.

JESSICA:  And How do you do that?

OBAMA:  Like this.

JESSICA:  Yes Master What is your bidding.......uh oh...Wait a minute....Oh my God! You just hypnotized me!

OBAMA:  No I cast a spell on you much different.

JESSICA: Are You really a Warlock?

RAVEN:  Cawwww. Yes he is! Cawww

OBAMA: Oh Joe! You're much more useful as a bird than as Vice President.

JESSICA:  Wait your bird talks and It's Vice President Biden.

OBAMA:  Yeah. I changed him into a Raven.  He just made too many gaffes.  The Biden you see is actually a golem I reanimated from a dead donkey.

SECRETARY:  Mr. President. AFL-CIO Head Richard Trumka is here.

OBAMA:  Ok send him in. Here ya go Joe have some Eye of Newt.  hahahah Remember where we got that from?

BIDEN the RAVEN:  CAWWW...Newt....hahahahaha CAWWWW

TRUMKA:  Hello My Dark Master your Zombie army has been prepared.  It awaits your command.

JESSICA: Zombies?!  

OBAMA:  Uh duh... Unions!  SEIU, AFL-CIO, Teacher's Unions. Yep all Zombies.   They do my bidding at my command.

JESSICA:  What about the liberal people in San Francisco?

OBAMA: Nah they're just gullible.

JESSICA:  This is just too much to fathom.

OBAMA:  That's ok most people come to just accept it.  Oh I'm sorry but I have to go to a Seance I am conducting, We'll have to continue this interview later.

JESSICA:  Seance? Who Died?

OBAMA: The Economy.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Obama Admin May Decide to Use Force Against Doctors.

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Washington D.C. 6/28/2011

      The Obama Administration has decided not to go ahead with a Controversial plan that would have Americans to spy on Doctors in an attempt to find out how Americans get their healthcare.  Instead the Administration has decided to go to their plan B, which goes into a full embargo of the Doctors.
     An Administration Spokesman is quoted as saying "our intel has shown that Doctors in America have violated too many human rights and we have to make this hard decision to place a Trade Embargo on the Doctors of America".  Doctors notably have the reputation of over charging insurances, cutting off appendages, and not just giving old people pain meds but instead trying to save them.  Civil Rights Activist Al Sharpton said "We will have justice!  No longer will Doctors heal America!  We will overcome!"
     Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that hopefully the Trade Embargo will "encourage" Physicians to relinquish their control on Healthcare.  Mrs. Clinton went on to say "If the Embargo does not work we can use Seal Team 6. As you know we have in the past."  In response to this Vice President Joe Biden said, "Ooo ooo oo Can I give the order this time?!"  At which point he grabbed his Nerf Automatic Dart gun and ran across the White House lawn yelling "Ha ha you're dead Osama! Seal Team 6! Pow Pow!"

     We tried to get a comment from the Doctors but their only response was, "I'm sorry we have patients can you come back later?"

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Obama of the Rings

Share on Tumblr We take you to a never before scene from the Fellowship of the Rings from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.  Let's Join Elrond and the Fellowship as he sends them from Rivendell to the heart of Mordor to destroy the one ring.  

ELROND:   It is decided then these 9 will be the Fellowship of the Ring and will travel to Mordor to cast the ring into the Crack of Doom thereby thwarting Sauron and his evil minions.

BARACK OBAMA: Now hold on, hold on, let's just hold on a minute.

ELROND: Yes stranger I don't believe I know you.

GANDALF:  This is Barak Obama a Community Organizer from the Midwestern town in Middle Earth named Chicagoton.

ELROND: Ah yes home of the Thugs.  Is there something you wanted to say Ba Rack.

OBAMA: It's Barack.  And yes I do believe we are making mistakes of old.  Has anyone ever uhm uh thought that these "orcs" may hate us because of something we did?  I believe we should sit down and talk to this Sauron without preconditions and see what we can do to make him not hate us.


OBAMA:  The politics of negativity.  This is how we got into this mess.

ELROND:  What Politics are you talking about?!  The Orcs of Mordor and their lord Sauron is evil incarnate.

OBAMA:  See right there.  Is anyone really evil? Maybe they just have a different way of looking at Middle Earth.

GANDALF:  Yes they do.  They want all of us dead.

OBAMA:  Maybe they are just misunderstood.  I believe we should probably concentrate on attacking Rohan.  There is a lot of human rights violations there.

ELROND:  They are our Allies!

OBAMA:  We really need to bring all of our warriors home from Mordor and concentrate on Kingdom Building right here at home.

ELROND:  We can't concentrate on "Kingdom" Building until we destroy the people that want to kill us.

OBAMA:  And how do you "propose" to do that?

GANDALF:  Have you not been listening?  We bring the One Ring to the Crack of Doom and Cast it in and Sauron will be destroyed.

OBAMA:  Yeah about that "One Ring".  Why don't we melt this ring down and use it to feed the poor and disadvantaged of the Realm.

GIMLI: Did you not just see me strike it with me axe.  I nearly killed myself with the blowback!

OBAMA:  Ok ok ok uhm how about this.  We make several rings and give them to everyone.  Better yet we give everyone several rings.  And that staff you have Gandalf, we'll have to take that.  I mean don't you have enough magic?

GANDALF:  What?  No! And let me comprehend what your saying, you want to give everyone in the realm Magic all powerful rings?

OBAMA: Yeah for all those that can't provide for themselves. Hey here comes one now.

GOLLUM:  Precious....gollum gollum...My precious.

OBAMA: Hey buddy here ya go Free Ring.  Go Make something better of yourself.


OBAMA:  Ok that's done. Hey dwarves do you guys have a union?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Al-Qaeda's Next Top Model

Share on Tumblr Welcome Back to Al-Qaeda's Next Top Model. I am Mohammed Al Tyra Banks.  I'm joined by Photographer Akeem Al Nigel Barker, Imam Yasir  Ackbar, and Miss-J.  We are joined by our two finalists to see who will win Al-Qaeda's next top Model.

MOHAMMED AL TYRA:  Ok we just finished our last photo shoot and we have come to the time of the show where we will finally pick a winner.  Let's look at the photo of Model #1 Waliyah Mohammed.

MOHAMMED AL TYRA: Akeem Al Nigel what do you think of this photo of Waliyah?

AKEEM AL NIGEL:  This Burka does you a lot of justice.  You were meant to wear it.  I think that you need to emote more feeling in these shoots. But overall good picture.

MOHAMMED AL TYRA:  What about you Imam Yasir?

IMAM YASIR:  Yes Waliyah, first of all, DON'T LOOK AT ME IN THE EYES!  Second your choice of blue is very disrepectful.  You will wear only black.

MOHAMMED AL TYRA:  Waliyah what do you think about what Imam Yasir had to say?

WALIYAH: Well first of all, Death to the Great Satan, and second I only want to serve my husband and destroy the infidel.

IMAM YASIR: I like that answer. She has potential.


MISS-J:  Girl you know how to work a Burka. That's all I have to say.

MOHAMMED AL TYRA:  Ok My turn.  Waliyah you are a fierce Princess and you need to show it.  And then and only then is when you will please your husband and kill the infidel.  When I Modeled in Tehran I knew that I would destroy the Great Satan and ya know what I did. Do you know how?


MOHAMMED AL TYRA:  Because I'm fierce.  Ok next is Model #2 Ikraam Hijaz. Let's see that photo.

MOHAMMED AL TYRA:  Miss-J let's start with you.

MISS-J:  Girl you all kinds of hot.  And you did yo thing on the catwalk.

MOHAMMED AL TYRA:  Akeem Al Nigel?

AKEEM AL NIGEL:  I must say that you are very photogenic.  Have you ever done modeling before?

IKRAAM:  My image was once captured as I was setting improvised explosive devices in Kabul.

AKEEM AL NIGEL:  I knew I've seen you before.


IMAM YASIR:  Too much eye and knuckle!

MOHAMMED AL TYRA:  Ikraam.  You are a fierce warrior goddess that is has a goat herder trapped inside there.  You plant IED's in Afghanistan but when I'm finished with you, you will be planting IED's in the hearts and minds of Model Execs of New York City's Model Scene.  But Imam Yasir is right too much eye and knuckle you are disqualified.  Pack your bags and leave.

MOHAMMED AL TYRA:  Waliyah please step foward. You are Al Qaeda's Next Top Model. Congratulations.

WALIYAH:  I am so happy. Thank you so much.  I will make sure I destroy the Great Satan. DEATH TO AMERICA.  

MOHAMMED AL TYRA:  Yes Death to America indeed.  Here is your Suicide Vest and tickets to Modeling Expo in Milan.

WALIYAH:  I will fulfill my destiny as a martyr and a model.

MOHAMMED AL TYRA:  I'm Sharia you will.





Cookie Monster Not Happy with Michelle Obama's New Food Guidelines

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Picture downloaded from The Chive 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Boehner + Obama = 4Ever

Share on Tumblr This is a special Report from Brett Baier of Fox News.

BRETT BAIER: Hello I'm Brett Baier. With the country more divided than ever there has been a odd pairing as of late with two of the unlikeliest of people.  I'm joined with House Speaker John Boehner and President Barack Obama.

JOHN BOEHNER:  Nice to be here Brett.

PRESIDENT OBAMA:  Thanks for having us Brett.

BRETT BAIER: You two are on opposite ends of the spectrum.  You butt heads on every issue.  But for some reason you pal around together. The most recent case of this is when Mr. Boehner gave You Mr. President an Ultimatum on your actions in Libya and how it violates the War Powers Act but that same week the two of you go on a Golf outing. Please Elaborate.

 BOEHNER:   Well I believe that in a Political Environment like we have today we have to come to the table as more than just opponents.

OBAMA: Yes Brett. You have to have a way to blow off steam and settle your differences like men.

BRETT BAIER:  Well I would accept that as you answer but this is not the first time that the two of you have been seen palling around the DC area together.

OBAMA: uhm I don't know what your referring to.

BRETT: During the heated Budget Battles you and Mr. Boehner took off on a Tuesday and went to Dave & Busters and you said and I quote "I'm going to beat your A$$ at Air Hockey BONER!"  and Mr. Speaker you replied "I'll wipe your Butt all over the table Mr. Sotero" and you replied "Oh no you didn't just go there" What followed was series of light hearted insults and pats on the backs.

BOEHNER: Hahaha Man he had you down perfect Barry.

OBAMA: Shut up John! And I did whoop you at Air Hockey.

BRETT :  Then after a recent Fight over ObamaCare funding you playing shirts vs skins on the Basketball court.

OBAMA: hehehe Nice tan that day Boner!

BOEHNER: Well we stayed in St. Bart's too long after your Africa Trip.

BRETT:  Hmmm...There are also reports of late night beer pong tourneys, Guy's Movie night on Thursday's in the White House,  and not to mention the Paintball.

BOEHNER: I totally PWND you that day!

OBAMA:  Yeah yeah I know you put the T-Bag in Tea Party.

BRETT:  Does this mean that you two will come to some agreement on things that happen in Congress

OBAMA: Oh Hell no!

BOEHNER: Yeah I don't think that's going to happen.

BRETT: Alright well any last comments from either of you?

OBAMA: Yes I have one comment I would like to make and it is.....TICKLEFIGHT!!!!!

BOEHNER: Oh I'm going to get you for that...hahahahahahahaha.

Romney's Hair 2012

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     A startling turn of events in this early Primary season amidst Former Newt Gingrich's fallout in his Election team comes another bombshell in an opponents camp.  Early Tuesday, as John Huntsman made his run for the presidency, Mitt Romney's Hair is going to take a go at the high office deciding to go solo.  
     The events seemed to have transpired early this week when sources close to the Governor said that Mr. Romney and his Hair were having some disagreements about policy issues.  When asked for comment Mr. Romeny's spokesman said; "I am sure we will have all this combed out before long."
     Mitt Romney's Hair has been a staple of the Republican and political limelight for sometime.  First Garnering attention during Mr. Romney's Campaign run for Governor of Massachusetts and then while spearheading the Olympic Committee in Salt Lake City in 1996.
     Sources say that Monday night a large argument irrupted and Mitt Romney's Hair left the premises and was not heard from until this morning.

     Mitt Romney's Hair's spokesman said "Mitt Romney's Hair says that this country is headed in the wrong direction and the Politics of old will not help this country to get back to its founding."  He also promised that if he is elected that no root will go untreated and conditioner will be plentiful on the shelves again.
     When hearing of the news former Governor Tim Pawlenty remarked, "If what you are looking for is ORomneyHairCare then you should vote for Mitt Romney's Hair."  In response Mitt Romney's Hair stared at Tim Pawlenty and made a small lunge toward him. Tim Pawlenty then rebutted " Uh nevermind."

Monday, June 20, 2011

Michelle's Burger-O-Bama-Rama

Share on Tumblr As part of her new Nutrition initiative, Michelle Obama has decided to open her own diner. Here is an account of a typical day at Michelle's Burger-O-Bama-Rama

12:01 pm Michelle's Burger-O-Bama -Rama

MICHELLE OBAMA: Welcome to Michelle's Burger-O-Bama-Rama can I take your order.

PATRON SCOTT :  Wow! Michelle Obama! That's so cool that you are doing this!

MICHELLE OBAMA:  Oh thank you so much! I'm just trying to give back to the country that I am finally proud of by bringing good nutrition to many Americans.

PATRON SCOTT:  That's just great! Well let's see what should I get.  Ooooh I think I will have the Triple O-Bamma-Slamma Burger with Cheese with an order of chili cheese fries. Sounds delicious but not very nutritious.

MICHELLE OBAMA: Excellent Choice! Oh and it is very nutritious.  That will be $37.99.

PATRON SCOTT: Wow that is really expensive! But probably worth it if you're recommending it. Here ya go.

MICHELLE OBAMA:  Oh here comes your order!

PATRON SCOTT:  Oh great I'm hungry!  Hey....uhm ....excuse me Mrs Obama why are you eating my burger?

MICHELLE OBAMA: Huh.....munch munch munch...What was that?

PATRON SCOTT:  My burger? Your Eating it.

MICHELLE OBAMA:  I don't understand the problem?  Oh you thought that just because you ordered it that it was yours.....hahahahaha. No no no it doesn't work that way. You eat what I tell you.  I get the good food.


MICHELLE OBAMA:  Oh here comes your order!  One Kale burger with Sprouts! Looks disgusting but it's very I hear.

PATRON SCOTT: This is crazy!

KITCHEN WORKER:  Hey Boss, there are some poor people at the back door that say they're waiting for the food you promised them.  They look pretty hungry.

MICHELLE OBAMA:  Really?  Tell them to wait a few more days and I will give them even more food. And make sure to tell them to vote for Barack!

PATRON SCOTT:  Wait a minute. You just keep promising these hungry people food and don't deliver on that promise but you still expect them to vote for your husband?

MICHELLE OBAMA: Duh?!  You don't promise food to people who aren't hungry.  You just keep promising food and they always come back.  Where else are they going to go?  Anyway, How bout a Triple Chocolate Shake to go with that!

PATRON SCOTT: You're going to drink that too. aren't you?


Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Unicorn Fart Factory

Share on Tumblr Episode 291 of Dirty Jobs:

 Hi I'm Mike Rowe and this is my Job.

MIKE ROWE: With Global Warming threatening to destroy  our climate and the lack of renewable sources of energy dwindling by the day we are going to be visiting one of the Obama Administrations alternative energy facilities.  This facility is going to save our climate and supply our country with a unlimited source of renewable energy.  So today we are in Pennsylvania at the Rainbow Falls Unicorn Fart Factory.

MIKE ROWE: Hey here is Grady Martinder the Plant manager of Rainbow Falls.

GRADY MARTINDER: Hey Mike nice to meet you.

MIKE ROWE: Likewise, So Mike explain to us why Unicorn Farts are so important to the Environment.

GRADY MARTINDER:  Well Mike, Unicorn Farts are the newest source of energy in the new Green Revolution.  One Unicorn Fart can power electricity to one house for one month.  And with our large supply of  Unicorns we can power most of the Eastern Seaboard with this one factory.

MIKE ROWE:  That is incredible! Well let's see some more of Rainbow Falls.

MIKE ROWE: WOW!  What's this giant squishy rainbow colored mountain?

GRADY MARTINDER:  This is Unicorn Dung.  The main source of the Unicorn Farts.  I know what you're thinking 'why don't we extract it directly from the source?'  Well it would be very difficult to attach extraction tubes to all of the Unicorns and that would just be ridiculous.

MIKE ROWE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..HAHA..HA..haha.haha.ha ......ha..ha...............ha..........................................yes ridiculous.

GRADY MARTINDER: Well Start shoveling Mike!

MIKE ROWE: You got it!  Wow smells like cupcakes. Hopefully with this new approach to energy we can stop our dependence on foreign oil.

GRADY MARTINDER: Oh absolutely! Although there are those pesky Leprechaun Unicorn Cartels.  But in time we will replace oil entirely!

MIKE ROWE:  That's going to be hard to do.  I mean Oil does a lot more than just a fuel source for transportation.  Any electronic device we use, medical devices, cosmetics, and plastics.

GRADY MARTINDER:  Don't worry Unicorn farts will solve all of those problems and more.

MIKE ROWE:  Sounds Great to Me!  All this shoveling reminds me of that day I worked at the Bulls**t factory.

GRADY MARTINDER:  Oh you worked at the Democratic National Committee?


Generic Republican 2012. He/She is our only hope!

Share on Tumblr A recent poll said that a Generic Republican would beat Obama if the election were held today. After seeing these polls Generic Republican has decided to put his/her hat in the ring.

     Hello friends My name is Generic Republican but my friends call me Generic Republican. My country is in the worse shape it has been in generations. I believe that I can no longer stand by while this happens.  After much discussion with my Wife and/or Husband and my 0-23 children and grandchildren I have come to the decision to run for the office of the president of the United States of America.
     My years in the private sector and/or Public office have shown me what the real America is all about.  I may  have or may not have seen this first hand.  Our fellow citizens can't stand another 4 years of this.
     Let me tell you a little about myself.
     I am very Conservative and Moderately Conservative. I am strongly Pro-Life except when I am strongly Pro-Choice.  I am against Gay Rights and For them. I believe that the Federal Reserve needs to be abolished and also not be abolished and kept in place for generations.  The Income Tax system needs to be replaced with a flat tax or it just needs to stay exactly how it is but lower taxes ...or higher.  As far as our brave troops overseas I will bring them home immediately or leave them there to fight for freedom.
     Unlike my other opponents, which actually may be me, I have no scandals that may come back to be a distraction for America or I may be riddled with scandals and they happened long ago in my past and we need to put them in the past.  My other opponents, again maybe me, say that I may or may not have worked for the Obama Administration. Well this may or may not be true but I think this is not what America needs in a President, or may be exactly what they need depending on whether it is me or not.
     My other opponents, again me...maybe, say that I supported Obamacare, unless I didn't support it if that isn't me.  I am here to say that I have never supported Obamacare, unless I did in which case I think it needs to be changed and/ or replaced.
     I have  or may not have the support of many great Americans like the Tea Party. Unless I don't in which I case I represent everybody not just the Tea Party, unless I am that candidate.
     Vote for me. Generic Republican for President in 2012.

     Generic Republican 2012: Hope and/or Change.

Generic Republican may or may not have supported this message.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

O Barry! Episode 319: Barry's Bus Trouble

Share on Tumblr It's Time for another episode of O BARRY!

Episode 319 Barry's Bus Trouble

Old Man Tucker's Auto Shop:

We find Barry taking his Bus in for Repairs. What kind of High Jinks will Barry get in to today?

Old Man Tucker: Well hello there Barry! What's seems to be the problem? Ya got Bus Trouble?

Barry: Yep the old Hope & Change Express seems to be making noises when I get on the Highway.

Old Man Tucker: Let's just take a look see. Yep I see the problem right here. You got a ATF director stuck to the undercarriage.

Barry: Oh yeah...I threw him under there after a recent scandal. Uh who knew. Well thanks.

Old Man Tucker: Wait a minute there's a few more under here. Jeremiah Wright, Bill Ayers, and a whole slew of relatives.  How are u even able to drive?

Barry: Well the first couple of miles are  a bit difficult but you get used to the screams and cries for help.

Old Man Tucker:  Looks like your back bumper is dislodged.

Barry:  Yep, a recent congressman tried to hang on for a few hours but I finally lost him in a cactus patch.

Old Man Tucker: Wait looks like there's a bit of Weiner left on the bumper.

Barry: Here use this to clean it off.

Old Man Tucker: Wait a minute this is the Constitution! O BARRY!

Friday, June 17, 2011


Share on Tumblr Abraham Lincoln once said "You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the People all of the time".
     Well Not anymore! New from the makers of Debt-B-Gone comes FOOL-ALL. The revolutionary product to Fool all of the People all of the Time.
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     The Mainstream Media has been using FOOL-ALL for years to appear non-biased! IT'S GREAT!

     BUY TODAY! Join other happy clients  like Bill Clinton, Lady Gaga, Ashton Kutcher, Dane Cook, and the entire Service Employees International Union!

     BUY FOOL-ALL! Don't be this guy: "I was a successful Congressman and up and coming democratic hopeful but then I decided to tweet an inappropriate photo all over the internet. I tried to cover it up by using a competitor's brand. But It didn't work like FOOL-ALL and I had to resign. I wish I would have bought FOOL-ALL."

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Disclaimer: FOOL-ALL should not be used in combination with logic. Do not use FOOL-ALL on yourself when trying to convince yourself you don't exist, a tear in the space-time continuum will occur. The same will result if you try to use FOOL-ALL on the cast of Jersey Shore.



Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Wisconsin Union PR Meeting

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Wisconsin Teachers Union's Public Relations Meeting
06/14/2011 2:30 pm

Union PR Head Michael Harriston: " Ok guys great month so far I am really liking the new ideas you are coming up with as we fight the Governor and those other Nazi Jerks. Who thought of Dressing up as Zombies and Disrupting Gov Walkers Talk at a Special Olympics presentation?"

Board member Hunter Billings:"That would be me sir."

Michael: Excellent. Great Idea I mean that is really forward thinking. Upsetting a entire crowd of mentally disabled people and their families is what we are really looking for.  I am sure the participants loved it and the family members were all supportive of our cause.  Did you have any other ideas Hunter"

Hunter: Defintely. We are thinking about dressing up like Blood Covered Goblins and Place ourselves on the the stage during a Kindergarten Graduation in Milwaukee while screeching "No Justice No Peace"

Michael: This is what I am talking about guys. Think outside the box. We have to show the Citizens of Wisconsin we are just like them and we are vital to their Child's Education. Anybody Else?

Board Member Janice Tapps:  I have a couple sir. We are going to get some Aesbestos Suits and Set ourselves on fire while standing in front of the Burn Unit in Oshkosh holding signs that say "Without Unions this State will Burn".

Michael:  Love it.  It is edgy and thought provoking.

Hunter: How about Funerals ?

Michael: Oooo  I don't know The Westboro Gay haters have that niche, but ...go with me on this.  Take their signs and change "God hates F*gs" and Make it say "God hates Scabs" and I think we have a winner.

Janice: I'll get right on that sir. 

Michael: Lets Lightening Round this. Go!

Hunter: Dress up like Satan and Attend Gov Walkers Church and throw sulfer on all the parishners. 
Janice: Go to the Nursery of Madison General and Paint Union Chants on all the newborns

Michael: I am loving these. Yes Colin you have a suggestion.

Board Member Colin Tauber: The Tea Parties seem to be pretty successful do you think we could duplicate that?  Ya know something Peaceful and a family like atmosphere.

Michael:  The Tea Party?! Those Extremists! Hell No! That is not what America Wants! Now Janice could we somehow paint the Babies while we are dressed as Zombies?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Gaffe Anonymous

Share on Tumblr In the wake of WeinerGate we learn that any lack of judgement can simply be treated by a quick visit to rehab.  Many other politicians are now going to rehab for any and everything.  As luck would have it we have obtained the minutes from one of these rehab sessions.

Monday 06/13/2011 6:30 pm
 Community Center Room 212
Gaffes Anonymous

Counselor: Hi everyone I'm glad you could make it here tonight. This is a group dedicated to those of us that have an addiction to making gaffes.  Remember this is your first step on the road to recovery. My name is Bob Smorconish and I will be your guide to help you make those steps out of dependency.

[Barack Obama walks in]

Counselor: Mr. President so glad to see that you're going to be joining please don't bow....that's not necessary. We'll get to that later. Anyway please introduce yourself.

Obama: My name is Barack and I am...uhm...a Gaffer and I uhm uh...hold on one sec..

Counselor: No,no Mr. Obama please put the Teleprompter away we've talked about this. You have to do this on your own.

Obama: Alright...then I'll just...uhm ...

Counselor: No, Mr. Obama not the Autopen either.

Obama: Barack Obama, Barack Obama, Barack Obama...uhm...Barack Obama

Counselor: That just signs your name Mr. President. Put it away. Why don't you tell us about yourself.

Obama: My name is Barack Obama and I am uhm uh Gaffer...

Counselor: We covered that.

Obama: I was born in...uhm...uh....Joe help me out

Joe Biden: [shrugs shoulders] Scranton?

Obama: Scranton.

Counselor: No, Mr Obama you were born in Hawaii.

Obama: Right Hawaii, 57th state of the Union

Counselor: Ok Mr. President, that's our first thing we need to cover. There are not 57 states. There are...

Obama: 56

Counselor: No

Obama: 60

Counselor: NO

Obama: 1 million

Counselor: There Are 50! 50 states! What are you doing! Are You bowing again?!

Obama: Mexican President Felipe Calderon just walked through the door.

Counselor: That's the custodian!!

Obama: That is an insult to the Mexican President he is no  uhm janitor.

Counselor: That is not the Mexican President! That is the Custodian for this Building!

Joe Biden: He smells very Clean and Articulate

Counselor: Joe! We will get to you in a minute! Please Continue Mr. President.

Obama: Uhm yes uh My parents met at Selma during the ....

Counselor: No Mr President we covered this last session your parents could not have met at the Selma March because it happened after you were born.

Obama: What I was going to say before I was rudely interrupted was...

Counselor: I'm sorry Mr. President please continue

Obama: My parents met in Selma during the Civil War. My Father was a Slave and My mother the Daughter of a wealthy Plantation owner.

Counselor: I give up. I had an easier time in Afganistan with the Taliban

Obama: Were you a Corpseman?


Obama: I believe you are wrong my Teleprompter clearly shows a P in the word


Obama: Barack Obama, Barack Obama, Barack Obama


Obama: That's ok I have to be at a session of Over Spenders Anonymous next door