Saturday, July 30, 2011

Sasha & Malia Obama's Home School Economics

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OBAMA:  Alright Girls! It’s allowance time!

SASHA: Yay!

MALIA: Alright Payday!

OBAMA: Ok, that’s $20 for Malia and $15 for Sasha.

SASHA: Hmmmm That’s not Fair!

OBAMA: Well Malia is older and does more chores than you so I give her a little more each week.

SASHA: Uh Dad well you’re always talking about how we should all be fair and people should be treated…equally, what about me?

OBAMA:  Well, Ha! You have been listening! Uhm…Why not! I better practice what I preach! Here ya go Sasha 5 extra dollars. Now you both get equal amounts. You don’t have a problem with that do you Malia?

MALIA: Nah Dad, Social Justice…right?

OBAMA: There ya go girl! Alright well I’m off to the golf course, see ya later this evening!

SASHA:  Uh Dad, I think there are some other things we should discuss.


OBAMA: Ok, baby  what’s up?

SASHA: The work conditions are not what Malia and I would consider kid friendly. I mean pulling up those weeds in Mom’s garden is hard work and I think we should be compensated as such.

Future Chairman of the Federal Reserve



OBAMA:  Wow, Sasha, those are some big words you’re using! I’ll talk to your mom later and we’ll see what we can do about that.

SASHA:  Alright just have her see Frank.

OBAMA: Frank? Who’s Frank?

SASHA: Oh he’s our Union Steward from the Local 1600 First Kids Union. He’ll present you with our terms.
Union Steward Frank


OBAMA: Terms? What?!

SASHA: Yeah Dad! We unionized and we feel as though we are being treated unfairly so we have a list of demands or we'll strike.

OBAMA: Malia? Do you agree with your sister?

MALIA: Under the terms of our collective bargaining agreement Sasha is to represent us during all member sponsored talks.

SASHA: If you want to do this now we can. FRANK!

FRANK: Section 1: Under the terms of Local 1600 the said members require that all health care benefits are paid in advance.

OBAMA: Sasha. You’re a child your mother and I take care of your healthcare.

SASHA:  Sorry Dad. We can’t trust your charity. I mean what if you want to go off to Vegas and we don’t have enough money for my tonsillectomy.  Or you greedily try to hog all the profits for yourself. We can’t have that. Malia's  going to  need braces soon.

OBAMA: Profits! What are you talking about that’s my money! I earned it.

SASHA: Dad..... Shared Sacrifice. We now each get a third. One third for me, one third for Malia, and you and Mom can keep the other third.

OBAMA:  Why do Your Mom and I only get a third and not each a quarter?

SASHA: Marriage Penalty.

OBAMA: Wait a minute! Do you realize what kind of money that is?!

ATTORNEY GENERAL ERIC HOLDER: $10.5 million to be exact. That would be approxiamately 3.5 mill for each group involved.

OBAMA: Eric! What are you doing here?!

SASHA: I have Eric on retainer. He’s our personal lawyer now.

HOLDER: She pays pretty good.

OBAMA:  This is insane! That is MY money!

SASHA: Uh Uh Uh Our Money! Remember Shared Sacrifice.

OBAMA:  Grrrrr. Alright well what do you plan on doing with the money?

SASHA: That’s Easy. I’m going to build a giant water slide on the side of the West Wing that goes all around Washington and takes you back with a big splash in the Potomac.  After you get off each person gets to jet pack back to the beginning to go again.

OBAMA: What?! How much will that cost?

HOLDER:  The estimate came in at 25 million.

OBAMA: WHAT!!!!! Sasha WE don’t have that kind of money.

SASHA: Uh Uh Uh YOU don’t have that kind of money. I guess you better get back to work and earn some more.

OBAMA: I wouldn’t be able to do that! What do you want me to do Print the money?!

SASHA: I have one of the machines from the mint in my bedroom.

OBAMA: You’ve been Printing Money! Where did you learn to do that?!

SASHA: I learned it from watching you alright! I learned it from watching you.

OBAMA: This is madness!

SASHA: One thing good has come from my new found wealth is that I want to keep it, that’s why I’ve donated money to the Sarah Palin Campaign.

OBAMA: YOU ARE GROUNDED!

SASHA:  Frank could you go over section 912 about cruel and excessive punishments.

OBAMA: *sigh*
Broke





Wednesday, July 27, 2011

An Ode to a Sucky President

Share on Tumblr O is for the sound I make when I realize the mistake I've made.
B is for my Brains, IT HURTS! I see him everyday
A is for the grade he can't get, an F? YES! when he's had his way
M is for the Months I count, Are we there yet, is it Election Day?
A is for...WHAT?! HE EVEN REDISTRIBUTED HIS NAME?!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Barry O'Bama and The Folktale of Obama's Bluff

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Well Howdy there boys and girls It's me Pappy! I'm gonna tell you a tale of one of America's famous folk heroes: Barry O'Bama.  Yep Sure as shootin Old Barry is famous for many adventures such as creating the oceans with his spit and planting the groves of hope and change orchards we see all across the countryside. But today I'm gonna be tellin ya the Story of how Debt Mountain was made. What's That? You thought it was always there? Ho ho ho no it was made by the mighty Barry O'Bama.

    Well it was at one of Barry's Hope and Change Orchards where the whole affair started.  Old Barry was tending to his crop of Hope & Change fruit that would feed the villagers.  His fruit was said to be whatever the person wanted it to be but it usually rotted once it fell off the tree. But most of the villagers didn't have no taste buds so I reckon it didn't bother them none.  One Day an Evil Oil Barron named John Boehner wanted to take old Debt Ceiling Creek, which run right by Barry's land, and divert it into Old Barry's orchard. 
      "This here Crick needs to be moved further south!", said Mr. Boehner, "And I mean to be the man who does it!"
     See Old Man Boehner was the Meanest Barron this side of the crick.  He would sooner try to lower your taxes than look at ya. He once tried to tell Americans that they could handle their own Healthcare! Crazy as a loon, did I mention that?  
     Well O'Bama weren't gonna hear none of it!  He picked up a hickory tree and pointed it at Mr. Boehner and shouted, "You ain't movin that crick no where! In fact I reckon I mean to move that crick farther north!"  And with that O'Bama picked up that Crick and gave it a flick like a whip so the Old Evil Oil Barron knew he meant business.
     "Look a Here Barry me and my boys ain't movin from here till you move this crick south!", said Mr. Boehner.
     Barry did not like this one bit.  He knew that that crick transported his hope & change fruit to mill.  So he devised a plan.  And he climbed up on the highest bluff.
     He looked down on Mr Boehner and he said, "You best be movin if you know what's good for ya."
     Mr. Boehner stood his ground.
     "Well don't say you tweren't warned", said Barry.  O'Bama went to the nearby town of Social Securi City and gathered up all the citizens.  He took em to the top of that there bluff and started pitchin em over.  Them towns folk were pourin over that bluff like Moonshine out a jug.
     When Barry ran out of Social Securitians he went and got him some folks from Militaryville,  Govt worker village, and other places.  Well those people started pilin' up at the bottom of that crick and got higher and higher.  Mr. Boehner had to get out of the way of all them folks flyin off that bluff like sacks of potatoes.
     That pile got so high that it turned it to what we know today as Debt Mountain.  Old Barry climbed to the top of that there mountain and said, "Told ya not to call my 'bluff'!"  and laughed!  His laugh was so loud that it cracked the north pole right in two and snow started fallin on the sun. And that's why we don't have Global warming today.
     Well I'm glad you could come listen to Old Pappy today.  Next time I'll tell you about the time Old Barry ate an entire barrel of pork and crapped out something called Obamacare.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: Excuse me Mr. Vice President, but who are you talking to?

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN:  Awww, Marmalade and molasses! I've been caught again!
Yeeeeeehaawwwww!

      
     

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Hostage Situation at the Capitol

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I'm Charlie Gibson and This is ABC Nightly news with Breaking News.

There appears to be a hostage situation at the US Capitol and we are going to take you straight there to Jake Tapper at the Capitol! Jake what's going on?

TAPPER:  Thanks Charlie.  Earlier today President Barack Obama was spotted on top of the US Capitol building.  Witnesses said they were unsure what he was doing and then they saw him wheel an elderly woman in a wheelchair up to the edge of capitol.  One Witness  said he started to yell, "I told you not to call my bluff! Now we'll see who's boss!"  Mr. Obama is still atop the Capitol and threatening to push the Elderly woman off the Capitol. I'm joined now with Capitol Hill Police Chief Frank Hillmans. Chief can you tell us the situation?

CHIEF:  Well It appears that the President is holding a hostage in a attempt to break the talks over the debt ceiling.  He told the Police he chose the Capitol roof because he didn't want to drive to the mountains and find a cliff.

CHIEF: We are trying to talk him down but it doesn't seem to be working.

TAPPER:  Does he have any demands?

CHIEF: He said and I quote, "I want an increase in Government revenue through tax raises,  Increase in entitlement spending, and my helicopter running and ready to take me to Sandals in Jamaica."

TAPPER:  Has the hostage negotiator arrived?

CHIEF: Not yet, but Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell arrived and tried to remedy the situation by screaming "Give him whatever he wants!"

TAPPER:  That didn't seem to work.

CHIEF:  No. So we are bringing in some family members to see if they can talk him down. Oh here they are now. Let me see that megaphone.

CHIEF: Mr. President! Can you hear me?


OBAMA:  Yeah! You got my taxes and copter? Yet?

CHIEF:  No sir! But we have someone that loves you very much that wants to talk to you.


OBAMA: It better not be Michelle cause that ain't gonna fly!

CHIEF: Mr. President the First Lady is up there with you.


MICHELLE OBAMA:  This Old Granny is going to eat pavement! You better get our taxes!

CHIEF:  Mr. President he is here now and he wants to talk to you. It's your Number 3 Wood Driver.


OBAMA: WOODY! Is that you?


WOODY:  Hey buddy. Whatcha doing? We really love ya down here. Why don't ya come on down and talk.


OBAMA:  Woody! I'm in deep man! This ain't the 9th hole! Oh man! #$%@!!!!!!   [weeping] NO NO NO! You are not going to talk me down not you Woody! Not YOU!!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

TAPPER: We may be here awhile . Back to you Charlie.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Debtgon: Obama's Drug of Choice

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I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what...


My friends didn't want to hang around me anymore...


I was sluggish, tired, and depressed...


I went to my doctor and he said I needed a higher debt ceiling...


So he prescibed me Debtgon.


     Debtgon,  also known as Mytaxisrizin, is the medication trusted most by physicians to treat low debt ceiling.  Debtgon (Mytaxisrizin) works by taking special income or "tax" particles from harder working cells and places them into the colon where they are immediately evacuated from the system.  This repeats until these cells become dead and lifeless.

Side Effects may include:

Decreased Hiring
Job Loss
Economic Fatigue
Media Excitement
Premature Campaigning
Lower Bank Account
Keynesian Tendencies
Hallucinations of Success
Rectal soreness
Nausea
Vomiting 
Diarrhea


Debtgon should not be used in combination with capitalism.
Debtgon side effects may last longer than anticipated. Sometimes lasting for years or even decades.

     Thanks to Debtgon I will have the Debt Ceiling that's right for me. Oh here comes the Doctor now. Hi Doctor.


DR. OBAMA:  Hello I have your Debtgon right here. Ugh! Whew! That was Heavy! I didn't think I could get it through the door.


PATIENT: WOW! That is Huge! That is going to be a 'Hard Pill to Swallow"!


DR. OBAMA:  Who said it was a pill? Now Bend Over!

Debtgon (Mytaxisrizin) the answer for your debt "emergency"

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Cap'n Obama's Float N' Change WaterPark

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     Hey Kids! It's me Cap'n Obama! This Summer I want you to come on down to...

CAP'N OBAMA'S FLOAT N' CHANGE WATERPARK!!!!!!!!

We've got every fun filled ride you can imagine in my 60 acre fun filled Water Amusement Park!

 Like our undersea playground "Underwater Mortgage"!

 JIMMY: Hey that's my house down there!

OBAMA: Great! It will be easy for you to explore! 

[Obama plants foot in kids back and kicks in]

JIMMY: AAAAHHHHHHH!

Or How about our the riviting "Economic Slide"!

SUSIE:  Is this ride scary Cap'n Obama?

OBAMA: No little Susie it's very safe. It will gently take you on a very placid  and gentle ride.

SUSIE: Oh great! Here I go!.......AAAHHHHH....MOMMY!  HELP!  THERE'S NO BOTTOM! I WANT TO GET OFF!!!!!!!!!!

OBAMA: Sheesh. Lightweight

Don't forget about "Tax Falls"!

It will hose you down with 1000's and 1000's of gallons of water at extreme pressure.

BOBBY:  IT BURNS! OH MY GOD IT BURNS! TURN IT OFF! LET SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A TURN FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!!!PLEASE!!!!

OBAMA:  Now Bobby just remember Shared Sacrifice!

[kid in line tugs on Obama's coat]

JOHNNY: But Cap'n Obama you said we didn't have to get on.

OBAMA: You Won't! Now shut up kid and remember to vote for Cap'n Obama.

If you get hungry Remember to stop by our Franchise of Michelle's Burger-O-Bama Rama! The Peas are Great!

And while the kids are having all that fun you adults go visit our Hot Tub! We use Green Energy to power it and it uses no electricity. All Natural Sources!

PARENT: Oh this is relaxing Cap'n Obama. Wait, if it doesn't use electricity then where do all these bubbles come from......Uhm why is Barney Frank in here?

BARNEY FRANK:  Hewwo! You should Twy the Beans at Michelle's Burger-O-Bama Rama!

PARENT:  Oh Gross! I'm getting out of here!

And You can enjoy all of this at the Summer discount Rate of $5000 a day!

PARENT: That's Highway Robbery!

OBAMA: Nope! That's the New America!

So come on down today to.....

CAP'N OBAMA'S FLOAT N' CHANGE WATERPARK!!!!!!!!



     

     

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Double Standard!!!! The Hot New Game Show

Share on Tumblr LIVE!! From Sunny Washington D.C.  it's the Game Show that is the talk of the Beltway, That's Right it's time once again for, DOUBLE STANDARD!!!!!!!!

Now lets give a big hello to our host Wolf Blitzer! Here's Wolfie!!!!!


WOLF BLITZER:  Thank you thank you. Is Everyone ready for a great show today?

AUDIENCE: YES!

WOLF BLITZER:  Alright well let's meet our contestants

ANNOUNCER:  From the Great Red State of Alaska is Former Governor Sarah Palin!!!

WOLF:  So glad to have you here for the Show. How are you?

SARAH PALIN:  Great Wolf!  I'm so glad to be here and I'm here to kick some Democrat Butt.

WOLF:  Who do we have from the blue state?

ANNOUNCER: Well Wolf we have the President of the United States of America Barack Obama

OBAMA: Hey Wolf!  I'm ready for a great show.

WOLF:  Alright contestants You know the rules. I ask the questions to each of you one at a time and you answer them each separately. I have not seen these questions before, and neither have you Gov Palin, and we of coursed forwarded you a copy of all the answers  Mr. President. Alright let's get started.

PALIN: Wait, what? He already knows all the answers before the show has started?!

WOLF: Huh? Oh yes. It's alright Gov. Palin you will of course get a fair treatment by the judges.  It's all fair.  Alright Let's Play DOUBLE STANDARD!!!

PALIN: Ok I guess.

WOLF:  Alright first question.  Topic American History. The First question is for you Gov Palin. This Whig Politician was the 2nd Postmaster General of the Millard Filmore Administration.?

PALIN: Are you serious?

WOLF:  I am completely serious. If you ever want to even think about running for political office in this country you have to Know what the media and the American People but more importantly the media thinks you should know.

PALIN: Ok? I don't know.

WOLF:  hahahahahahaha she doesn't know. Oh my. I have to catch my breath. hahahaha....ok ok. Judges are you ok. I know, I know....haha....ok.  The Answer is Samuel Dickinson Hubbard.

PALIN: That's really obscure. Well maybe I'll make it up on the next round.

WOLF: Maybe. Ok Mr President Your turn. Same Topic. Who Was the President that preceded you at the office of President?

PALIN: WHAT!

WOLF: Please Gov. Palin It's not your turn. Now Mr. President.

OBAMA: Yes Wolf the Answer is George H. W. Bush

WOLF: Judges?  Yes we will give it to you. They both have W in their name so I think that counts.  And we know you've been under a lot of stress lately.

PALIN: This is unbelievable!

WOLF: Alright Gov Palin your turn. Topic is Economics. What is the Square root of the current National Debt?

PALIN:  Uhm I ....

WOLF: You better hurry It's increasing by the second.

PALIN: 4 million?

WOLF: Stop It! Stop It! Oh my God you're killing me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Please no more....Hhahahahahahahahah....The answer is 3,788,766.65

PALIN: Can we just move on, please.

WOLF: Whew...Alright. Mr President. Topic is again Economics. Identify the following Number.
OBAMA: Hmmmm....Let's see. I.....uhm....hmmmmmm....

WOLF: Do you need to ask for help from an audience member?

PALIN: He gets help from the audience But not me?

WOLF: Yes that's the rules.

OBAMA: I would like to ask Malia.

MALIA: Yes it's 3 daddy.

AUDIENCE: Awwwwww

OBAMA: Thanks Malia. 3 Wolf.

WOLF:  Great work Mr. President. Now it's time for the Lightening Round.  I will ask you 5 questions and you answer them as fast as you can. Ready? Gov Palin your first. 

PALIN:  Alright Wolf I'm ready.

WOLF:  The topic is Tax Code numbering and I will read the questions in Latin.

PALIN: I don't speak Latin.

WOLF: This is a Travesty Gov Palin. 

PALIN:...why are you staring at me.

WOLF:...

PALIN: wolf?

WOLF:...

PALIN: uhm...

WOLF:  Fine We will have to disqualify you. Mr. President all you have to do is answer these 5 questions and you win.

OBAMA: Ok

WOLF: Answer the Following: The Cow goes________?

OBAMA: Moo

WOLF:  Old McDonald had a ________?

OBAMA: farm!

WOLF:  Water is ______?

OBAMA: wet!

WOLF: The plural to Internet is______?

OBAMA: Internets.

WOLF: Judges? Yes we'll take it. Ya know what we're not even going to ask you the last question. YOU WIN!

OBAMA: ALRIGHT!!!!

PALIN: This is ridiculous. 

WOLF:  Thanks Everybody!  Join us next time for DOUBLE STANDARD!!!



Saturday, July 9, 2011

Obama's Real Twitter Town Hall

Share on Tumblr The media reported Obama's first Twitter town hall. They showed you what they wanted you to see. But Here is what really happened.




WHITE HOUSE TECH ASSISTANT: Ok Mr. President we have everything set up for your Twitter town hall. Are you ready to make history.

OBAMA: Absolutely! I am an expert at the Internets. Now where do I plug in the Teleprompter.

TECH: No Mr. President, Twitter is a Micro Blogging format where you can type up to 140 characters to get your point across.

OBAMA: Yes yes I know. Let's get this rolling.

TECH: Ok the first question, let's see, Oh, It's from Speaker Boehner. @SpeakerBoehner says "Where are the Jobs? and When is tomorrow's Tee Time at the Club?" #AskObama

OBAMA: That is a great question!

TECH: Great Mr. President that's the spirit and what is your response?

OBAMA:  Tee Time is 10:00 am

TECH:  Ok let's concentrate on the first part of his question.

OBAMA: Oh Yeah right. Ok so I just type what I want to say?

TECH:  Yes

OBAMA: Should I include the Uhms?

TECH: no.

OBAMA:  Alright here goes. "@SpeakerBoehner  I will be recorded in history as the most ignorant and  stupidest President in the history of the united states of America if I were to not concentrate my entire efforts into the rebuilding of America's Job Sector. And this is first done by More spending packages and by raising the Debt ceiling. Partisan bantering will not help here.  This will make sure we get down to the business of America. Jobs. And Jobs will not be created until that is done." and send.


TECH: Mr. President I told you that you can only use 140 characters to word your responses.

OBAMA: Yeah so.

TECH: Well it stopped at "@SpeakerBoehner  I will be recorded in history as the most ignorant and  stupidest President in the history of the united states of America"

OBAMA: Crap!

TECH: Well just go to the next question

OBAMA: Ok oh this attractive young lady wants to know if I want an IPad. How nice. Yes I would like an IPad. They come in handy when I'm giving gifts to royal dignitaries.

TECH: That's spam Mr. President.

OBAMA: Oh ok. Let me just respond back. "No I do not want an IPads" send.  Oh now there are a lot of people wanting to give me IPads. Are you sure this is spam?

TECH: YES! Check the other questions.

OBAMA:  Ok "@WebsZachAndrews How are you going to get jobs for the Ducks in the Middle Class  " I think we can come up with a stimulus for ducks.


TECH:  You know what this isn't working out like I thought.  Why don't we just wrap this up.


OBAMA: NO! I will not go down in history as the President who didn't understand the Internets! 


TECH: FINE! Just a few more.


OBAMA: Here's one! @keder Says this "We need more stimulus to help with this------>"


TECH: DON'T CLICK ON THAT!


OBAMA: Ooooo. Rebecca Black! It's Friday Friday!  Oh here @kesgardner is telling me it's 11:11. That's nice!      


TECH: This is Ridiculous!  Finally!  Here is one from The Vice Presidenet. @VP says " Barry do you want to come over an play with my trains?" O my God....ya know what I quit.  I didn't get a masters for this.


OBAMA: Trains?! What a loser.











Thursday, July 7, 2011

Attack of the Killer Corporate Jets

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     From the makers of "Filament Light Bulbs out for Blood" and "SUV 3: Throttled Death Choke" comes the movie that may make you think twice about that next corporate trip in the 'not so safe' friendly skies.

ATTACK OF THE KILLER CORPORATE JETS!!!!

     A government experiment gone awry, Corporate Jets engorged themselves on radioactive Tax breaks and are coming after the thing they thirst for most of all: The Poor.

     Only one man can stop the evil corporate jets from devouring every poor person in the country: Barack Obama!

     GENERAL PETRAEUS:  Mr. President, A Islamic Terrorist Madman is on the phone and says he will detonate a Nuclear bomb in New York City in the name of Allah!

    PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA:  No time. Put him in a holding pattern. I have a Corporate Jet I have to bring into the 'Terminal'.  

     ATTACK OF THE KILLER CORPORATE JETS!!!!

     Coming soon.




Monday, July 4, 2011

Progressive Care Bears

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With Retro in Style the Progressives have decided to come out with a new line of Progressive themed Care Bears! 
Enviro Bear
This environmentally aware Care Bear is always making sure the other Care Bears are helping the earth, to the point of Annoyance.
Powers: Able to Destroy millions of Private sector jobs
Special Notes: With the Help of Vegan Bear he can have the power of super Annoyance!
Motto: "Keep it Green or DIE!!!!!!!!!!!"

Appeasement Bear
Appeasement Bear is the Care Bear who will do whatever you say whenever you want.
Powers:  Appeasement Bear is actually one of the most powerful Care Bears but instead of using his powers  he can   bow at the speed of light.
Special Notes: When fighting Darkheart he may switch sides from time to time.
Motto: "Thank You Sir, May I have another!"

Union Bear
Union Bear loves to try and organize all of the other Care Bears whether they like it or not.
Powers: Opponents knees bust spontaneously.
Motto: "They bring a knife, we bring a gun"

Rino Bear
Rino Bear is the only Care Bear that was born without a spine.
Powers:  Has them but chooses not to use them in fear that the other Care Bears won't like him.
Special Note: With the Help of Appeasement Bear he has the power of Super Appeasement!
Motto: "I'm not with him."

Media Bear
Media Bear loves to mimic everything Obama Bear says
Powers:  Whatever Obama Bear needs it to be.
Motto:  "I'm sorry but that's not on the White House Presser."
Food Police Bear
Food Police Bear is always "helping" others know what is best for them to eat.
Powers: Can shut down a diner in record time.
Special notes: Does not take his own advice. Eats whatever the hell he wants.
Motto: "Don't you know that has Trans Fats in it."



Obama Bear
Leader of the Progressive Care Bears
Powers: With the combined Powers of all the Progressive Care Bears he can destroy a Nation.
Motto:  "Ugh Uhm What you need to do is..."