Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Resist We Much- Starring Al Sharpton

Share on Tumblr From the makers of the Cultural Classic "Good Night, and Good Luck" about the Legendary reporter Edward R. Murrow, comes the newest Modern Classic. Newsman Al Sharpton stars in  Resist We Much.

     This epic decades spanning biography of the Reverend Al Sharpton plumbs the depths of true Journalism.

-Chris Matthews says "It gave me a tingle all over."

-CBS Reporter Serene Branson gave it 5 Hevay Bertations!

-Joe Biden said "It's Clean and Articulate"

-Miss Teen South Carolina 2007 raved, "I think that those as such as in The Iraq and The Iran will such as love this movie such as."

     You will be awestruck at the wonder of Rev Sharpton when he says his famous lines "But Resist We much...we must...and we will much...about....that....be committed."

-Audience Goers agree! "We loved it much, must much much and we be that much is to say committed.!"; Another excited fan said: "Make sure to wear a poncho when he gets to saying words that start with the Letter P."


     When asked why people should see his Masterpiece Rev Al said,  "I have said all along that is it was to have was to say that we were and that is to say yes also because it is and will be that is to say much is saying with that it is."
     Yes. Truer words have never been spoken.

-Yoko Ono said, "Listen to the Trees you will hear too."

-Al Sharpton's Megaphone said :"Bzzzzzzzz Cshhhhhhh  WeeeeeOOoooooo"


-Animal from the Muppets said "ANIMAL!"


     You must much much must see this Must Much See movie of 2011 that be committed. 


     



Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Uncle Barry-O's Sing-O-Long

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New from White House Records!  Uncle Barry-O's Sing -O-Long!  This Wonderful Collection of Children's songs is available for the first time to the public!  Join Uncle Barry-O as he sings along with your kids!

UNCLE BARRY-O:  Hey Kids Let's sing!

KIDS: Yay!

UNCLE BARRY-O & KIDS:
     My Mortgage lies under the Ocean,
    My Mortgage lies under the Sea,
    My Mortgage lies under the Ocean,
    Barack please have someone pay my Mortgage for me!


KIDS: Yay that was great!


UNCLE BARRY-O:  How about this favorite kids!

UNCLE BARRY-O and KIDS:  I Love You, You Better Love Me;
                                                Let's Blame Bush for the Economy.


 
UNCLE BARRY-O:  Do you remember this one Kids?  Sing it like Row Row Row your boat.

UNCLE BARRY-O and KIDS:  Uhms Uhms Uhms abound scattered throughout my speech,
                                                 Let me be Clear, The Right must sit in the Rear,
                                                Or they'll all be racists to me!



 Uncle Barry-O will entertain your children for hours, all the while learning how to be socially conscious and mastering Democratic Strategy.


UNCLE BARRY-O:  Ready Kids?

KIDS: Let's go!

UNCLE BARRY-O and KIDS:   The Bear went over the Border,
                                                  The Bear went over the Border,
                                                  The Bear went over the Border,
                                                  To escape unjust subjugation of the central latin american workers by the corporations based solely in the United States and to do the work that Americans refuse to do and wouldn't do anyway, and to receive benefits and medicaid that will eventually help America out of this recession and also while there are here it would be nice if they voted for Me, ....AND TO SEE WHAT HE COULD SEE!. 



KIDS:  Uhm we couldn't keep up Uncle Barry-O.

UNCLE BARRY-O:  That's ok kids.  Just stay with me!

UNCLE BARRY-O and KIDS:  This Old Man, He played One,
                                                 He played Nick Nack on his Thumb,
                                                 And he'll be off to his mandatory End of Life Counseling session with his State mandated Physician at his local Government sponsored Health Care Facility because he has become a burden on his family and the economy at large and in his present condition it has become unsustanible...


KIDS: We don't know these words Uncle Barry-O.

UNCLE BARRY-O: Oh did I do it again? HAHAHAHA

     Also with this collection you will get the following favorite Kid songs:



Mary had a Little Undocumented Worker


P-A-Y-G-O


Old McDonald Had a Wind Farm


Obama Loves Me This I Know


Kenya Born my Lord, Kenya Born


Comrade Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin (his name is my name too).


She'll be comin around the Mountain in a Fuel Efficient Hybrid


The Wheels on the Listening Tour's Bus go Round and Round


The Unions go Marching one by one


Twinkle Twinkle Little Czar


and Dust in the Wind by Kansas


UNCLE BARRY-O: Here's one last one kids!

United forever in Friendship and Labour,
Our mighty Republics will ever endure.
The Great Soviet Union will live through the ages.
The dream of a people their fortress secure.


KIDS:  We don't know that one Uncle Barry-O.

UNCLE BARRY-O:  Oh you will. You will. Sooooon. Very soon. MWhahahahahaha.

KIDS: Mommy? We want to go home.

Act Now and Buy Uncle Barry-O's Sing-O-Long Today!



























Saturday, August 27, 2011

A Democrat's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

Share on Tumblr      Welcome back as we continue to show democrats what to do in case of emergencies.  The Zombie Apocalypse is a growing concern in today's world.  But do you know what to do if it were to come to America?  Especially if you are a Democrat, this situation is not so cut and dry as Republicans would have you believe.  So let's go through the most important things to remember in a Zombie Attack if you are a Democrat.

1.  A giant Zombie Hoard is approaching.  What do you do?  First you need to ascertain if these are actually zombies.  A giant swarm of mind numbed automatons could be just some of the Democrat base.  Check for signs or t-shirts with the following logos: AFL-CIO, ACORN, SEIU, PETA, MoveOn.org, Teamsters, Amnesty Intl., CAIR, ACLU, or anyone from Berkeley.  This could avert a lot of confusion and you may choose to join the marchers in their chants and monotonous din.
May or May not be a Zombie

2.    Ok so you have discovered that these creatures are actual zombies.  Well, you can't just go and label these as creatures bent on eating you.  Try to understand them.  They're people too, or at least they once were.  What motivates them?  Is it just an unquenchable thirst for brains or are they too a victim of our corrupt society's obsession with greed?  Maybe you could appoint an ambassador to represent the zombies.  If Al Sharpton is a zombie, now would be a good time to give him a megaphone.
Zombie Al


3.   These Zombies apparently mean business.  Well, your next course of action should come naturally: Sanctions.  Yes a trade embargo on brains should teach the zombies that you mean business.  If they continue on their current course toward you, they need to know that they will no longer get the brains they so desire.
Typical Protest Sign seen at Zombie Rallies

4.   Now would be a good time to find shelter.  Do not build anything unless you have the proper permit.  This could be dangerous to do without a government agency overseeing the construction of said shelter.  Also off limits are the following: Historical Sites, Endangered species habitats, Potential Endangered Species Habitats, Forests, Beaches, Mountains, Hills, or pretty much anywhere that might disturb wildlife.  Poor Neighborhoods should also be avoided. This would not be fair to them.  Rich Neighborhoods and Corporate buildings are OK if you can get passed the Armed Owners.  The most logical decision is where Democrats always run to solve a problem: Government Buildings.
Only sanctioned Zombie Shelter.  Hope you don't live far from DC. 

5.   Protection is a necessity.  But under no circumstances are you to use Firearms.  The 2nd Amendment says nothing about protecting yourself against Zombies.  Knives, Swords, Machetes, or Axes are also dangerous and off limits.  Use a stick that is no thicker than your finger and no longer than your arm.  This will have the desired effect of protecting oneself from the zombies while keeping safety a number one priority.
Don't even think about it!

6.  When defending yourself against the onslaught of brain hungry golems, you should keep the following rules of engagement in mind:  Never strike the zombie on the face.  This could cause damage to the Zombie which would result in a potential lawsuit.  This is also true for Hands, arms, neck, legs, groin, feet, or buttocks.  Only light body blows should be considered.

7.  If there are people with brains around you, then you should immediately volunteer them for a shared sacrifice approach.  They share their brains and you sacrifice your time in contributing in this.  Fellow democrats do not make suitable brain donors so look for a nearby republican, if there are any left in the vicinity.  Most Republicans will be in Non-sanctioned Zombie shelters and armed with shotguns.  Don't worry we will give them all fines later.
Nugent: Leader of the Republican Zombie Resistance 

8.  At this point you may have been bitten.  You should immediately bite as many people as you can while you are still semi-aware.  This would be unfair if some of the ones around you are not zombies.  The Zombie ACLU may assist you in this.

9.  Well you are a full fledged zombie at this point.  You are a Brain Dead Putrid Moaning hideous Creature that only reacts to its base needs while sucking the life out of those around you.   In other words, You're a Democrat,  nothing much has changed.
Zombie-in-Chief

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Terrorist Conference 2011: The Annual Meeting of T.U.R.D.

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CSPAN:  We now take to the 51st Annual Conference of Terrorists Unite for Radical Domination or T.U.R.D.
This year's meeting is being held in Boca Raton, FL at the Sunnyside Beach Resort and Conference Center.  This year's guest speaker is Vice President Joe Biden.  He is giving a speech today in order to persuade the existing members of induction of a new member. Let's join the broadcast already in progress.

JOE BIDEN:  Thank you, Thank you for such a warm welcome.  I am so glad I got to make it to this year's meeting.  Last year's meeting at the United Nations building was great but where else are you going to get this kind of weather but Florida! Am I right!

AUDIENCE: [APPLAUSE]  You tell it Joe!

JOE BIDEN:    Ha! Thank you. You're great Pablo! Hope your enjoying that crate of M-16s I sent you for Christmas!

PABLO: You Know It Joe! Maria says Hi!

JOE BIDEN:  You bet!  Now, I come to you today with a serious matter.  Your ranks are some of the most fearsome terrorists in the world.  You bring down governments and destroy 1000's of innocent lives.  I would be remiss if I did not bring to your attention a new Terrorist group that I want you to consider for induction into T.U.R.D.  I speak of the evil organization that we know in America as the Tea Party. And I know that through.....

AHMED:  Excuse Mister Vice President.

JOE BIDEN:  Oh Yes Ahmed. You have a question?

AHMED:  The Tea Party?  Are you talking about all those people that stand around in Washington DC holding signs that say "Hands off my Healthcare" and "Taxed Enough Already"?

BIDEN:  Yep the Same.

AHMED:  The Same Tea Party that has all the Old Ladies and people dressed up costumes and wear white wigs?
The Face of Ultimate Evil

BIDEN: Yes they are a menace or infinite proportion. America might not survive their style of attack.

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BIDEN:  What?! These people want to bring down the American way of Life!

KIM JONG IL:  Excuse me Mr. President.  Are they starting to Blow up government buildings?

AHMED:  Or maybe they blow themselves up?  Omar did that this morning! Tell them Omar! Oh wait. He's not here.

ESTEBAN:  Maybe they have started beheading people that have gotten in their way?

BIDEN:  No they haven't done any of that!  They are trying to prevent us from passing a bill that would ensure that we are able to pay for much needed social projects for our nations poor.  It would of course increase our deficit but they have to look big picture.  There has to be some sacrifice.  Taxes will go up.  Inflation most likely will too. But we have no choice.

AHMED: The American Poor?! "Oh look at me I am Poor American. I have three meals a day while playing my 2 X-Boxes on my Flat Screen TV."  My nations poor has to eat something they found in the dump.  Catching it is the entertainment!

BIDEN:  I think you are being a little insensitive.  You don't know how crazy these Tea Partiers  are.

KIM JONG IL:  Insensitive?  You Americans are light weights! You consider a bunch of old ladies and people with signs that want to make sure they're children's future is secure, Terrorists? You are a funny man Joe Biden!

ESTEBAN:  Yes if you were to tell us that this "Tea Party" was trying to bring down the Government from within, with...I don't know maybe... collapsing the economic system through failed policies.

AHMED: Or Maybe strapping their Grandchildren with so much debt they would be slaves to the state for decades! That would be a terrorist!

ESTEBAN:  Or controlling every aspect of their lives right down to what they should eat and wear.  That is a good dictator!

KIM JONG IL:  Wait a minute.  Are you thinking what I'm thinking Ahmed?

AHMED:  I am!  Joe Biden for your continued efforts to destroy the Great Satan, America,  from within we officially make you a honorary member of T. U. R. D.

ESTEBAN:  Hey Joe, make sure to tell your boss to come next week!  We're having a pot luck dinner at Pablo's house.

PABLO:  Si I make Casserole! Es muy Bueno!
Newest T.U.R.D




Sunday, August 21, 2011

CornDogGate

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AP-Washington DC

      The Dow is in danger of dropping below 10,000.  Wars and revolutions seem to be occurring on a daily basis.  Millions of Americans are struggling with the worst economy in recent memory.  All those things pale in comparison to the most pressing issue of this current political season.  Governor Rick Perry eating a corndog.
   The event in question occurred at the Iowa State Fair last week.  Fairgoers seem to be having a great time, enjoying the livestock shows, the rides, and fair food.  But then the unthinkable happened.  The most current GOP candidate for President to get in the ring ate a corndog.
     Eyewitness Billy Hoyt describes the event, "I was over at the cotton candy booth about to get something for my daughter and I saw it.  Right There!  Mr. Perry was eating a corndog!  I don't know how he could do that. It's sick."
     This is not the first time a GOP Candidate was caught eating a corndog.  Rep. Michelle Bachmann was seen at the same fairgrounds just a day earlier consuming the processed food.

     President Barack Obama commented, "Let me be Clear,  this is not the time to be eating Corndogs.  We have a 16 trillion dollar deficit and unemployment is skyrocketing and we see these Republicans eating Corndogs.  You have to make sacrfices and I don't see that from Mr. Perry.  Now excuse me but I have a plane to catch to Martha's Vineyard."
     Other GOP candidates even weighed in. Gov. Jon Huntsman of Utah said, "Look we've seen these GOP candidates buck the national trend by not believing in Evolution and Man Made Global Warming. Call Me crazy but when I do eat a corndog, which is not often, I eat it Stick first."
     We went to the streets of Manchester, NH to get a feel for what the voters think. Miss Emily Herrington said, "These Pundits are always talking about unreleased Birth Certificates, College Transcripts, and Political Philosophies. I don't really care about that, my main concern is if they are eating corndogs."
     Grassroots groups have started going to the streets and protesting the GOP taste in Corndogs.  They are calling themselves the "Corndog Party."  Spokesman Greg Fenderson, "No longer will we stand by and watch our country go to hell in a handbasket as our so-called "leaders" are eating Corndogs!"
     When asked for comment Gov. Perry gave some rather violent commentary in this era of new tone and said, "It's a corndog. Our country is about to go bankrupt and you're talking about corndogs? When I'm finished with it I'll show Mr. Obama where I'm going to put the stick"
    Time will tell if these events will have any lasting effect on Mr. Perry.  Vice President Joe Biden had some final thoughts on the matter, "Corndogs? You're supposed to eat them? Huh! I thought they went somewhere else."

Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Necromancer II: Revenge of the Bad Luck

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 When we last left our National Warlock, the President of the United States,  Barack Obama, also known as the Necromancer he had revealed his secret Identity to the World to the investigative team at Teen Beat Magazine.
     Let's Join this Doctor of the Dead as he holds an economic summit meeting with some of his closest confidants.

OBAMA:  Well I see that we are all here to discuss the solutions to the debt crisis.

BARNEY FRANK: Yes Master and I have brought a consultant to help us to put a good spin on this. This is Kevin Weathering. from the DNC PR team.

KEVIN: Hi pleasure to meet you Mr. President.

OBAMA: That's your Dark Highness to you. But we will dispense with the formalities for now.  What can you tell us Kev-in.

KEVIN: Well it looks like the interventions we have made to boost the economy are not helping and seem to be making the situation worse.  If we take the blame for this we are done in 2012 so I thought about some things that have hindered the improvement in the economy.

OBAMA: Like the Japanese Earthquake, the Oil Spill, and the Arab Spring?

KEVIN: So we'll chalk it up to ...

OBAMA: Bad Luck.

KEVIN: Oh That's good yeah Bad Luck. We've all been there.

OBAMA: No this is a different type of Bad Luck this is the work of sorcery it is Inflecitas Maximus. The Bad Luck that only comes from a very powerful wizard.

KEVIN: Wait, uhm are you being serious right now because I thought we were just brainstorming.

OBAMA: This is an old Magic. A Magic that has been around for almost a decade before I arrived. It comes from the Powerful Wizard Dubya the White.


KEVIN: So this is Bush's fault because I don't think the public is buying this.

OBAMA: I find your lack of faith disturbing
KEVIN: Gaaaaaaakkkkkk! Heeeeelp! 

OBAMA: You are released.

KEVIN:  Ahhhhhh. what.  Ok ok it's Bush's fault.....and uhm uh ....When did you change clothes?

OBAMA:  I have tickets to the Sci Fi Convention in DC.  I'm trying out my vader costume.  What do you think?

KEVIN:  Great great. Ok so we blame it on Bush....again.  What next?

OBAMA:  No, Not Busssshhhhhh.  But Dubya the White.  I feel his presence it is close.

DUBYA THE WHITE:  Hello my old friend.  So we meet again.

OBAMA:  So you dare to darken my home with your Presence.

DUBYA THE WHITE:  Yes you have struck me down but now I am more powerful than you will ever know.

KEVIN:  Ok is this really happening?  Are you two carpooling to the Sci Fi Convention?

OBAMA:  SILENCE Kev-in!  The two of us have an unsettled score to .....uhm ....settle.

KEVIN: That's kind of redundant.

DUBYA THE WHITE:  You have misused your powers and I am here to stop you from spending so much of the United State's Citizens money.  And plus you're blaming me for Earthquakes? Really?  Now Choose your Weapon you foul Beast.

OBAMA:  I will. EXPECTO PATRONUM!!!

KEVIN:  Sir...I mean...Your Dark Highness that's a Nine Iron.  And isn't that from Harry Potter?

OBAMA:  Duh...Have you ever seen me on a golf course. And Harry Potter is Kick-Ass!  Besides next I am going to Pass another trillion dollar stimulus package.

DUBYA:  YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!

KEVIN:  This must be a really serious Sci Fi Convention you two are going to.

BIDEN:  Did somebody say Sci Fi!!!!


OBAMA, DUBYA, and KEVIN: Joe!!!!!








Quality Results

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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Obama's "Not Listening" Tour

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August 15th, 2011, CSPAN- We join the Obama Administration’s National listening tour as President Obama is at a stop in Decorah, Iowa. Our team has our cameras  there to catch the action. Let’s listen.

OBAMA:  I think that together through compromise we  can solve our Nations Debt.  Thank you so much for letting me come today. Are there any questions?

CITIZEN:  Yes Mr. President My name is Ryan and I wanted to know how you can talk about compromise when you’re Vice President is calling the opposition terrorists.

OBAMA: I’m sorry but you’re not Listening.

RYAN:  Well this is a listening tour so I wanted you to hear my complaint.

OBAMA: Yeah this is a Listening tour. You're supposed to be "Listening" to Me!

RYAN: What?!

OBAMA: What we got here is Failure to Communicate.  Now get back on the chain gang and bust up those rocks.
Boss Obama

RYAN: Excuse me?

OBAMA: Well well well, I see we got us a  a non-listener. Non-listeners are trouble makers. You deaf son?

RYAN: I don't understand what's going on...and why are you talking like Ross Perot?

[Obama turns to Staffer Jim]

OBAMA: Jim, What do we do to citizens who don't Listen?

JIM: In the Box!

OBAMA: That's right! In the Box!

[Staffers drag Ryan to small metal enclosure called "The Box"]

RYAN: You can't do this to me! Help! I'm an American!

[8 hrs later. Drags Ryan from "The Box"]

OBAMA: Well Mr. Deaf man are you ready to listen?

RYAN:  Water....

OBAMA: IN THE BOX!

[24 hrs later]

OBAMA: How bout now?

RYAN: Freeeeedom....

OBAMA: Son, you ain't never gonna learn.   IN THE BOX!

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Shakin it up  here Boss!

OBAMA: Dammit Joe get outta those bushes.....And pull your pants up!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Bedtime Stories for Liberals

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Bedtime Stories for Liberals





*Yes I'm doing cartoons now. More to come!


Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Amazing ReDistributor!

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    The Amazing ReDistributor  Issue 225 Vol 3.  
     We take you to Washington DC the home of our hero The ReDistributor, also known by his secret identity President Barack Obama.  Here Barack is hosting a medal ceremony for a brave Union protester who risked his afternoon to protest a recent court decision. 
    
BARACK OBAMA:  Yes Mr. Ortiz, I give you this Presidential Medal of Freedom for sacrificing an afternoon on the couch watching reruns of Law & Order  in order to Protest a desicion that would have stripped your Union's collective bargaining rights.  Thank you for your service.

[a staffer agent interrupts the president]

STAFFER: Sir there's an "Emergency".

OBAMA: Emergency? Is Michelle trying to order a  Baconator Frosty at Wendy's again? I've told her they won't make it a second time.  It's too dangerous.

STAFFER: No sir. The other kind of "Emergency".

OBAMA: Oh Right. You'll have to excuse me everyone. I have a pressing matter to attend to.

[Obama enters Oval Office]

OBAMA: Fill me in.

STAFFER: Looks like Double Trouble Mr. President.  There's a mugging happening right now in Des Moines and a Terrorist about to destroy the State House in Boston with radioactive nano bots .  They  need your help.

OBAMA: I can't be in both places at once. Hmmm. Massachuttsets is a given in 2012. I'll pick the mugging in the Swing State. Look out Injustice The ReDistributor is Here!

In the Blink of an eye mild mannered Barack Obama changes into the legendary American guardian of justice!  Flying Higher than the Debt Ceiling! Faster than Inflation! More Powerful than the Flatulence of Barney Frank! IT'S THE REDISTRIBUTOR!

As our hero approaches Des Moines he comes upon the scene of a mugging in process.

WOMAN: Help! Help me! Please someone He's trying to get my purse!

MUGGER: Just give me the purse lady if you know what's good for ya!

OBAMA:  Halt! Injustice, You've met your match! The ReDistributor is here!

MUGGER & WOMAN: THE REDISTRIBUTOR!!!

WOMAN: Oh thank God you're here!  This man is trying to mug me!

[Our hero grabs the mugger]

OBAMA: I can see that!  Now give me that purse!  Here ya go ma'am.

WOMAN: Thank you. I don't know how to repay you I....wait a minute...my wallet is missing.

OBAMA:  Of course it is.  I gave it to this poor victim.  He is obviously a result of the Old America and it's greedy policies.  Why in the world would you think he would resort to a life a crime.

WOMAN:  What?!  You can't just give him my money!

OBAMA:  It's not your money.  It's OUR money.  He obviously needs it more than you.  Now excuse me sir would you like it in all twenties?

MUGGER:  Could you give me some ones I'm going to the Strip club later.

WOMAN:  I can't believe this is Happening!  First He was robbing me now You are!

OBAMA:  No no no. It's not robbing. It's Redistributing.  Get it. Like my name.

WOMAN:  Yeah  I get it.  Sheesh! I'm glad I'm not at the Bank.

OBAMA:  Speaking of which, there's an ATM. My mortal enemy. grrrrr.  But they have their uses.  Here her Bank card let's do some further redistributing.  Here ya go sir, $2500.

WOMAN:  I'm gonna be sick.

OBAMA: Alright Mister now that I'm done redistributing I have take you somewhere you won't do this criminal activity ever again. 

WOMAN: Yes, you came to your senses ReDistributor take him to prison!

OBAMA: Who said anything about prison?  Have you ever worked for the Democratic National Committee?  They have great benefits and you can do this without any hassle from the Law.

WOMAN: sigh

Join us next week to see The ReDistributor fight Injustice one Middle Class citizen at a time.




Monday, August 8, 2011

How to Put Out a Fire: A Democrats Guide

Share on Tumblr      In our continuing series on How To  for Democrats we will be covering the next topic. Today we will be covering How to Put out a fire if you are a Democrat.
     Here is the Scenario. We are of course assuming you are a Democrat and you come home from a long day from Washington DC.  Oh No! You find that a House is starting to catch on fire! But don't worry it is only a small flame.  We can take care of that, can't we.  What do you do?


     Step 1:  Observe the fire.  This may take a while so take as much time as you need.
     Step 2:  Form a committee of your neighbors to talk about the best ways to put out the fire.


     Step 3:  Contact the Media to show how the Fire is devastating the community and the people inside the house.
     Step 4:  The Fire is starting to spread now is time to take action.  Find a jug of Gasoline and throw it on the spreading fire.  At this point the fire may seem to get larger but don't worry you have it entirely under control.

     Step 5:   Light another part of the house on fire.  No better way to fight fire but with fire, right?
     Step 6:   The Fire is probably raging at this point.  The People inside are probably starting to worry.  This is the best time to move more people into the house.  Try putting them in rooms that are closest to the fire.
     Step 7:   By now you will most likely have run into a pesky Republican trying to put water on the fire. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS THIS TO HAPPEN, THIS COULD BE  DANGEROUS AND CAUSE FURTHER DAMAGE TO THE HOUSE.  At most offer to let him put some water on the fire only if you can put more gasoline on it.

     Step 8:   Improvisation is key. Find explosives or combustibles to toss in to the house.
     Step 9:   The house is blazing at this point and there may be no way to get the people out of the house in time.  Offer to get them out next year after your next election.  This will offer the occupants Hope.
     Step 10:  Now this is crucial.  The House is likely engulfed by this point.  Find someone preferably a conservative to blame for starting the fire and not putting it out.

     Well the house is smoldering right now and probably in ashes but it's ok because you're a Democrat and you had the best intentions all the time.

               



Saturday, August 6, 2011

The Ballad of The Politically Correct Cowboy

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Wandered into town one day the stranger did arrive.
The Most Peculiar Cowboy ever seen alive
When you ask the town folk they will recollect
That every word he spoke was politically correct.


The Stranger took three steps and he walked into the bar
He said that he had come from somewhere very far
He said he'd like to take a moment in this occasion
To apologize that he happened to be Caucasian.

The bartender looked puzzled and asked "What you want to Drink?"
The Stranger slid up to the counter and there sat about to think.
He slowly raised his hands and said "I'll tell you why I'm here today,
But first I'd like to order one extra large Mocha Soy Latte."

"I'm here to save this town from a fate worse than death,
And I'm not talking about Justin Bieber or even Crystal Meth"
The bartender said "Must be talking bout rogue  Mexican Mick"
The Stranger said "Well actually I prefer Latino or Hispanic"

Before he could  correct them Old Mick Walked through the Door.
He walked up to the bar to see the man he hadn't seen before.
Ole Mick scowled and said, "Hola Senor, Que ese all of dees  Hype?"
The Stranger answered, "Your accent doesn't help with your stereotype."

Mick slammed his revolver upon the counter and yelled "Showdown!"
He said, "I'll shoot you dead you gringo and bury you in the ground!"
The Stranger was very startled and caught at quite alarms.
"I'm sorry my Latino friend I'm scared by firearms."

The town folk looked puzzled and questioned why he was here.
He said "I'm not here to fight thieves but to settle all your fear"
"There is something more dangerous than Mick here a storming,
"What I speak of is of course the dangers of Global Warming"

"You see you all have been destroying this planet we call Earth"
"With your Air Conditioners, TV's, Even the Babies that you Birth"
"So I am here to help you give Global Warming the Axe"
"Just Please take out your wallets,  I need to collect a tax"

The Bartender looked at Mick and said " And we thought you were a thief"
"This here crazy cowboy is the one with which we really have the beef"
"You want to ruin all our lives and tax everything you see."
"Well guess what cowboy we're sending you back to DC"

The town folk tied that stranger to his horse readied it to ride
They struck the horse so hard that they believe that it had flied
The Stranger shouted "Just Wait I'll get you with a new Regualtion!"
The Town folk shouted back "We're not scared, It's almost time for election"

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The OBoogey Man

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BOB: Hey kids Grandma is here!  She's going to be spending the night with us!

KIDS: Yay! Grandma!

GRANDMA: Oh Thank you for letting me stay son. I can't seem to get a good night's rest with these terrible nightmares.

BOB:  It's alright Mom. Here ya go you can stay in our guest room.

GRANDMA:  Thanks Bobby, I think I'm just going to go on to bed, I'm exhausted.  Good night.

BOB: Night Mom.

[Grandma settling in for bed, starts to doze off]

[Rustling sound from closet]

GRANDMA:  Hello? Who's there?

OBOOGEY MAN: Hey how's it going. You're going to lose your Social Security, hope you like dog food.



GRANDMA: AHHHHHHH! BOBBY! HELP!

BOB: What is it Mom? What's Wrong?

GRANDMA: It's him again. I told you he's back.

BOB:  Who's Back?

GRANDMA: The OBoogey Man. He's a big scary thing that comes and scares seniors. Please Don't let him get me!

BOB:  It's Ok, it was probably something you ate. Just go back to sleep.

GRANDMA:  Uhm ok Bobby. Maybe you're right. Good night.

[Shuts door]

OBOOGEY MAN:  Is he a Republican? Ya Better not hang around any cliffs with him. Geronimo!

GRANDMA:  Bobby!

BOBBY:  Mom! Hey It's ok! Look here's a sleeping pill. It might help you rest.

GRANDMA:  whimpering. Ok Bobby. 

BOBBY: Good Night

OBOOGEY MAN:  That's probably cyanide. Looks like you not need to see my Death Panel.

GRANDMA: HELP!

BOBBY:  Hey look Mom why don't you sleep in the kids room.

GRANDMA:  Ok Son.  Hey Kids. Mind if I sleep with you?

OLIVIA:  C'mon Grandma sleep in my bed.

GRANDMA:  Thanks just having a little trouble sleeping.

OLIVIA:  It's Ok Grandma, Was it the OBoogey Man?

GRANDMA:  You've seen him too?!

OLIVIA: No but we have one of his lame monsters friends in our room. 

GRANDMA: huh?

GORETROLL: Hey Kids, your video games are killing the environment.


The Planet has a Fever!

GRANDMA:  Bobby! Do you have any more of those Sleeping pills?

Biden's Worst Fear

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Monday, August 1, 2011

FatFuel: Energy, Obesity, and Debt problem Solved

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     The Obama Administration has killed the proverbial birds with one stone.  As part of a joint endeavor with the Obama Administration's plan  for energy independence and the First Lady's grand ideas of Obesity elimination program, the two have come together to develop a solution for both.
     The Program is called "FatFuel" and It is the brainchild of none other than First Lady Michelle Obama
     "The Obesity problem in America has been just horrible and there didn't seem to be any end in site. Then there is the energy independence problem and of course all that debt. It all just seemed hopeless, that is until we came up with FatFuel!
Let's get Physical!

      Mrs. Obama went on to explain how FatFuel works, "First we took the census results from 2010 and found out how many Americans were considered obese. Next we located those people and forcibly 'encouraged'  them to come to our Obesity reduction center. The obese person is then taken to a self powered treadmill where he or she are handcuffed to the bars and they are then again 'encouraged' to run until the fat comes off."
     The First Lady went on to explain that each treadmill is hooked to a battery that is charged by the runners movements and put out on the grid to power America. When I asked how these people are 'encouraged' to take part in what appears to be grueling work she responded, "Well that is a two part Positive/Negative reinforcement process. A Double Bacon Cheeseburger is dangled just out of reach in front of the Obese subject. While behind there is a constant three dimensional video of me chasing them with a handful of Kale while shouting 'You better eat your greens!', It seems to be very effective."
    Participants in the program are showing results. Fred McTompson from Charleston, SC has already lost 200 pounds.  When asked for comment he said," I'll be good please....I just want to go home....THE KALE, THE KALE!!! I WANT TO STOP!". "Hey I don't pay you to cry get back to work tubby", said Mrs. Obama. "But you don't pay me at all!", responded Mr. McTompson. At which point  Mr. McTompson was hit with a cattle prod and put  back  on the treadmill.
    The First Lady was particularly excited to reveal the final part of the program. "Each Treadmill is also hooked to a Printing machine from the US Mint so money is being printed so quickly that the National Debt will be paid in no time!"  When I tried to point out that this would actually make the debt go up she responded, "Hey I don't pay you to talk back, I pay you to report my news. Now get on that treadmill for about 30 miles!" Then she shocked me with a cattle prod.
"The Cattle Prod is recharging, You better eat your Greens!"