32 NFL teams. In one way or another they're going to offend someone. So we have here today Kyle. Say Hi Kyle.
Kyle: Hello, I am Kyle Peeleft and I am the Senior Fellow at Senior Fellows Matter for America. I am also a Senior Analyst for Analyzing Senior Fellows in the field of Senior Fellows.
Matt: That seems redundant.
Kyle: We're very important.
Matt: Ok Kyle why don't you tell us and our readers what you and your team of "senior fellows" have come up with for liberal renames of the NFL teams.
Kyle: Oh we will, and they're not just suggestions. This is really going to happen. Just like how we got Rush Limbaugh off the air, we will rename these teams!
Matt: But Rush is still on the air.
Kyle: Shut up you're a racist! Let's start with The AFC East! Stupid Racist Bigot.
New England Patriots:
Ugh, the Patriots?! Are you kidding me? Right off the top we have a jingoistic name that exhibits the ugly pro-Americanism that has destroyed this country and look at the mascot! A tea party guy that holds a gun and shoots peaceful British people. No! This team needs a true hero for it's mascot! What better way to recognize the true heroism of these non-aggressive non-combatants then by giving them a team. So give it up for your new NEW ENGLAND UN PEACEKEEPERS!
New York Jets
Jets are dirty fuel guzzling and carbon outputting piece of capitalistic garbage! That is just down right scary for New Yorkers and Americans. If New Yorkers really like to be scared then they should be scared by something that is truly terrifying, like Diabetes and heart disease. The number one cause of these diseases is as we all know Global Warming and 40oz Big Gulp Drinks. We can't really incorporate both so let me introduce you to the NEW YORK BIG GULPS
Dolphins are a gentle noble creature that has no place being in a violent environment like football. So the true heroes of the Dolphin are their compassionate protectors that fight for their rights as intelligent members of Mother Earth. We owe a debt of gratitude to these men and women that annoy fishing vessels everyday on the front lines. MIAMI GREENPEACE
Who are the Buffalo Bills named after I ask you? None other than Cowboy Buffalo Bill Cody. And what did he use to express his emotions? Guns. And everyone knows that guns are evil. They are the reason for Global Warming and Big Gulps and Dolphin extinction and why Rush is still on the air. We cannot allow people to express themselves with violence so how bout a handshake. Well this is "Football" so how bout a firm handshake. Well not that firm we don't want men to become aggressive again so BUFFALO MODERATELY FIRM HANDSHAKES
What color are ravens? Black! Exactly! We get it racists Americans love their black things to be ravenous birds that are thieving. You think we're stupid don't you? We know that the "Ravens" is just another way to put down African Americans one more time. We're just going to have to teach you people some tolerance and sensitivity. Who better to do that than my good friend Louis Farrakhan leader of The Nation of Islam in the United States. An we'll have free bowtie night. BALTIMORE NATION OF ISLAM
You rednecks just love to portray endangered species as violent and want to kill anyone that passes by. Well if you really want an endangered species, let's not choose the precious Asian Bengal tiger, but another gentle and proud endangered Asian species. CINCINNATI PANDAS
Ah, the American worker, can anything be better? And the Steel workers are wonderful examples of Unionized labor in America. Unions created everything in this country from the air you breathe to the grass that grows. So the Union is much more important that the product and a product like steel is just to dirty and not clean and bad. Steel makes cars and global warming stuff. It's a scientific fact. So we need a name of the most powerful union that is non manly that we could think of and that team is...the PITTSBURGH SEIU
Browns? This is not a joke? Fine, I just will never understand you white racists. I'll put this negative spin on the put upon people of the world and highlight the dismal economic record that has been put upon this country and kept "brown" people down for so long. I mean unemployment is caused by racists! I mean 1050% of white people are employed, most because they stole those jobs from brown people. We will call this team the...CLEVELAND UNEMPLOYED
Anyone can look at this name and see one thing, "tit." This would figure that from a male dominated business that they would degenerate women in such a manner. I will take this opportunity to honor our sisters of the Feminist revolution of the 1960's and call this team the...
TENNESSEE BRA BURNERS
Jaguars scream one thing: Affluence and the One Percent! Not everyone in America can drive Jaguars! This is not fair! Plus no one needs to drive something so expensive and most likely dirty because I'm guessing it is because it's expensive. Everyone needs to be driving the same automobile to make it fair and every car needs to help Mother Earth. So give it up for your
Texans infers that Texas is a state and as we all know from history, the Americans stole Texas and most of the southwest from the innocent Mexican people that colonized that area. That's why all these undocumented workers are here, they just want their country back. And wonderful groups like the non violent La Raza are doing that with the possible Reconquista and changing the American southwest back to the country of Aztlan. HOUSTON RECONQUISTADORS
What's a colt? A baby horse. Any time a prolifer hears about a baby they get all crazy about making abortion illegal. So we have to instill into the masses that a baby is not a baby until the mother says it's a baby. The baby is basically a clump of cells until right before it's born. We know that from science. So we have to get rid of this whole baby generation, so ridiculous. Babies having rights. Ha!
INDIANAPOLIS CLUMP OF CELLS
San Diego Chargers
I have no idea where this name came from but it sounds like electricity and electricity comes from coal. Americans will never learn that electricity can come from alternate sources of energy like solar panels, other stuff, and magic and Wind Turbines! SAN DIEGO WIND TURBINES
Wild majestic horses that run wild and do wild things. And those wild horses would never be able to run wild if not for the wonderful efforts of the Department of the Interior. Thank you government. Plus as an added bonus the team will have Ken Salazar as their mascot and coach!
DENVER DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR
Kansas City Chiefs
This name does not offend me as much about the obvious derogatory slang towards native Americans as it does the idea that anyone can have a "chief" over them. No man should have a leader! We should be like the drum circles during the Occupy Wall Street protest and let everyone have a voice. No leaders means no leading! See better. Plus there is only one leader that we liberals recognize and that is Barack Hussien Obama, blessed be his name for now and all eternity. Amen, now everyone pray the Prayer of Michelle. KANSAS CITY OBAMAS
Our modern day raiders are the men and women of the Occupy Wall Street movement, which has had much success in Oakland. Breaking windows of small businesses that they perceive is "the man" or beating up random white people. It's all for the cause. And who else better to portray the modern protester than our protest den mother and matron Cindy Sheehan. OAKLAND OCCUPIERS
St Louis Rams
I don't really know what a ram is, maybe some kind of goat or something but I do know as a verb that "ram" is very violent. We don't need to be instilling that into our children! No Sir! (and or Ma'am) We need something positive for St Louis. ST LOUIS LOVE PATS
San Francisco 49ers
The wonderful liberal city of San Francisco does not need to be reminded of it's past as a Earth raping gold mining community. Also gold instills capitalism and not everyone can have gold. We need to commemorate a year that gives every America true gold and that gold is Universal Healthcare. In 2010 our lord and savior Barack Obama signed into legislation Obamacare so let's call them the 10ers! Also it sounds like Tenor which is a very common voice in San Francisco.
SAN FRANCISCO 10ERS
So apparently the team named their team because of the color of their jerseys. Cardinal red. The only person I know that exemplifies that color is not a bird but the hero of the Cuban Revolucion! Che Guevera, Freedom Fighter and T-Shirt Maker. ARIZONA CHES
Seattle is a progressive city and birds do not do it justice. Time for an in your face advertisement campaign everyone can get behind. Seattle just recently legalized weed for everyone, kids, cats, dogs, whoever can smoke it. They need to spread that joy. Weed has a lot of benefits like curing cancer and aids and plus if they don't make it on the Seattle team they have an automatic spot for them open on the Cleveland Unemployed team. SEATTLE LEGALIZE WEED NOW
Another black bird?! Are you kidding me?! You white people obviously need more training! ATLANTA KWANZA!
New Orleans Saints
Religion is always bad. We all need to be secular. Unless you're going to worship government. All we liberals know about New Orleans is that Katrina was Bush's fault. We don't know that he didn't blow up the levees. We don't know that Bush intentionally over 100's of years made sure all the african americans lived in the same area. We don't know for sure that Bush and Cheney with their magical powers made a hurricane went right up the gulf coast! We just don't know. But we don't know he didn't! So NEW ORLEANS BUSH'S FAULT
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Buccaneers were people that took money from the rich people that didn't deserve it and probably got it from poor people and then the buccaneers gave it to people that did deserve it. Great liberal heroes. The only heroic organization that we have now that is like that is the Internal Revenue Service. TAMPA BAY IRS
A Black Panther! I mean for all that.....actually this is a good idea. The black panthers always ensure fair elections and help white people see how they're wrong and they like batons and brass knuckles, which they only use on racists! And we all know racists deserve it!
CAROLINA BLACK PANTHERS
Whenever I think of Lions I think of the Liberal lion of the senate for so many years. A man that helped people in need and didn't hurt anyone ever! Especially womyn. DETROIT TED KENNEDYS
Hurtful and violent interpretations of Scandinavian people is not the answer. Raping and pillaging? No can't have that. Let's focus on the wonderful Socialist Healthcare system that we liberals love to focus on out of our wonderful northern citizens.
MINNESOTA NORWEGIAN HEALTHCARE SYSTEM
Why do all these animals have to be carnivores?! This is not good examples to emulate. How bout a nice fluffy non violent animal? That would be better. CHICAGO HERBIVORES
Green Bay Packers
We all know what they're trying to insinuate here. "Packers!" Really homophobes? We're going that direction are we? This is disrespectful to our LGBT brothers and sisters and brothersisters and people that do not wish to be defined in any terms. So let's have a positive message!
GREEN BAY LGBT COMMUNITY
What did Cowboys do? They were ranchers that herded cows that were used for beef. Beef is bad. We've already covered why back with the Big Gulp argument. Meat is Murder!
Eagles are animals that soar over everyone else and think they're better than you. Well most people can't soar! Most people are underwater on their mortgages and they have to eat just whatever floats by and what better animal to represent modern day 99% Americans than with the wonderful sea sponge.
PHILADELPHIA SEA SPONGES
New York Giants
How many of these teams are there? Ugh, I can't think of anymore so we'll just use the Giants helmet as advertisement for the next President of the United States.
NEW YORK HILLARY 2016
This name is the whole reason we're having to rename all 32 teams. This name is so horrible that they don't even deserve to be a football team. So from this point forward the Washington team is now a European soccer team. You're welcome America!
-The Morlock Revolt © 2013